Monday, May 26, 2014

The Struggle!

Now, now… I warned you that this year would be infrequent! To be honest my attention span has been horrid for the past little while and it's not improving…Let me unburden myself a bit by telling you what I'm pondering….

At the moment I'm feeling frumpy and it's for no serious reason. I always see those quotes about not letting 1 person out of the 7 billion ruin your day. In theory this sounds like a revolutionary way of thinking. But execution, well in the moment it doesn't work as well. I struggle with the whole body image thing as most women do…ok fine. For the past nine weeks I have been obediently doing as Shaun T instructs for his T-25 workout. I'm almost on the last level *yay me* So you can imagine, I'm feeling pretty good about myself, I even put in a Saturday work out, if you know me well then you would know that this is big!

Now back to me feeling good and accomplished, *here enters the grinch who stole the swing out of Pharrell's Happy song*. I stood minding my own business half participating in a convo of acquaintances. The convo turned to carnival and gym. The female complained of not having time to go and then turned to ask me if I still went to said gym. I said no…then she so calmly and matter of factedly said 'yeah you look so.' and continues to converse. Unfortunately I got stuck in the realm of confusion and was unable to respond. I literally stood there trying to analyze the possible meanings of the statement. I could only conclude one thing. It's always during the times when you are feeling good and think that you have lost a little inch here and there that someone says 'you've gained weight!'
You're probably saying 'Oh come on it's just one person's opinion.' Well it stung me more than usual. Maybe because it was crass, maybe because it was effortless, maybe it was the 100th comment ever to contradict what I thought I saw in the mirror.

Then enters another situation, 2 weekends later. I had to go out to dinner at a nice restaurant. Like a typical woman I stood staring at my closet hoping that something new would come floating out, and it did! *metaphorically* I had a never worn dress just hanging there…why? Well I think I bought it online and when it came and I tried it I kinda looked like a sausage roll, you know quite snug. And as any good optimist I didnt give it away with the hopes that it would fit one day. I decided to humor myself and it fit! Oh sooo nicely! I put on my heels and I was feeling on top of the world.

I step out into the kitchen and feel the ominous stare of my mother. I didnt have to verify I just knew that she was giving me an unbroken stare. As a perfectly timed train I predicted her snarl. And instead of hearing everything to validate my feeling I heard the opposite, too short, too tight, why you wearing that blah blah blah…le sigh. Now I love my mother to death but she has this terrible habit of being negative during those crucial moments when a woman is about to step out of the house into the night.

Yeah, it is an expected reaction but sometimes you just wanna have 100% positive reviews. Anything outside of that leaves a space for doubt, second guessing and still wondering if you look like a sausage roll! A friend of mine said that she wished she had 'fat girl' confidence. I don't know if this is offensive to persons but I know what she meant. There are some women who don't have that stereotypical look, so people assume that they probably aren't very confident . But that doesn't matter they wear confidence from the top strand of the head to their pinky toe. And they are always fresh to death, stepping, strutting, smiling and saying 'I'm fierce and fabulous.'

Man I'm so tired of poking and prodding….I'm sick of second guessing…Annoyed with feeling like a shrinking violet. With time, with time…..I actually had other things to discuss but I didnt expect to go on and on about this. Until next time, keep fighting the good fight by telling the person in the mirror you are beautiful! Special shout out to the man that relentlessly tells me how sexy I am, every moment he can :)

PS check out my friend Merissa's blog, Life Begins At The End Of Your Comfort Zone! She's on a journey of self discovery and acceptance through a series of challenges, I'm super proud of her! Check it and follow!