Monday, January 21, 2013

Straight Talk, no chasers

Quite often I come to a point during my quiet moments that makes me very angry and disappointed with myself, so with straight talk and no chasers imma just tell you what I think about myself sometimes.
To best illustrate my point without telling my life story I will draw reference to a couple I saw on tv. I watched about 2 episodes so forgive if my back story isnt 100% accurate, my reference comes from brief observation. So yeah I was watching Chrissy and Mr. Jones. I dont know much about them other than the fact that he's a rapper and she seems like his nice other half who sticks by him come what may. From what I saw he was lazy, not interested in fully committing to the relationship and just a plain out jerk. I dont know their history but I am sure that as a rapper we can also question his fidelity...cmon he's a rapper! But through it all Chrissy just seems to put up with it.

It disappoints me that I used to be a Chrissy. The woman that refuses to deal with all the red flags that are beating her over the head. She just makes it work. It upsets me that I had grown into this person. I admire the people who have always had their isssh together. They take shit from no one and they keep it moving. I cant make excuses for myself, I was a Chrissy and I hate-  it is a strong word but I'm serious - myself for it. It makes me wanna reverse the hands of time and shake my old self! Shake her until she has no choice but to walk away. I would probably scream 'Save yourself girl! You are drowning, save yourself!'

I cant blame age because Chrissy is a grown ass woman, young and foolish can not always be my cop out. Some women are just Chrissys, can we help it? I hope so, cuz I cant ever be a Chrissy again. I just refuse to be. Against all that I find safe and cozy I wont be her again.  I cant be the person who just refuses to hop off the train bound for destruction. I have to want better for myself.

Maybe it's a strong delusional belief. A belief that consumes you until you only believe that.  Maybe it was the thought that by giving an overwhelming amount of love a person will one day have an epiphany and change their ways. But instead it is the Chrissy who needs an epiphany. A Chrisette Michelle Epiphany 'Im leaving, no more wondering, what you've been doing. Where you been sleeping. It's over. I'm leaving.'

You get past the point of listening to hints and reasoning. You get to a point where your tunnel vision takes over and you find an excuse for Mr. Jones. You are convinced that with a little more time with another step you can reform Mr. Jones.  With every small victory or sweet word you get a little more convinced that Mr. Jones is making slight progress.

Truth is he never is or was. Well maybe that small 2% of Mr. Jones's are. But waiting to find out if Mr. Jones will change is a dangerous game.  Mr. Jones just gets more comfortable and better at what he does. He perfects the lies, he knows that for every apology he can make a thousand more. It makes you look back and wanna kick yourself really hard because you accepted the love you thought you deserved and for some sad reason you either didnt think that you deserved alot or you didnt think that you could find better.
So what to do? I think Alicia Keys sang it best in the the song Lesson Learned

It's called the past 'cause I’m getting pastAnd I ain’t nothing like I was beforeYou oughta see me nowYes, I was burned but I called it a lesson learnedMistake overturned so I called it a lesson learnedMy soul has returned so I call it a lesson learnedAnother lesson learned
To all the Chrissys out there, I know the fear of the unknown and the shame of failure keeps you glued to your post. But take it from me there are greener pastures over the mountain you just gotta climb and be free.

This has been some straight talk from the Moondancer! 

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Excuse me you jumped the line

Hello there *waves and smiles* This is my first attempt of many to become a frequent poster. Be proud of me lol. Ok so here's a bit of insight into the clockwork of my mind. You can say Amen if you feel me or shake your head in disgust. But I speak from an honest place. Aight enough preamble, let me introduce myself; I am the 4th child for my father, his baby girl and the first of two children for my mother. Spoiler alert I consider myself a princess! Take your judgements and side eyes elsewhere please I am getting to the point. Being on the junior side of one set of siblings and being on the elder side of the other, I have come to learn my place in the order of life. Everyone takes their turn in the order they were born. I am currently blabbering to my few followers because someone has stepped outta line and caused havoc. Kind of like that person on the assembly line that adds their sprocket before their predecessor adds their bolt. *stop the presses*

The following things go out of sync when a younger sibling gets married first: 

1) You cant elope if they did!

 You be dam sure that all the pressure will be on you to ensure that your mother gets to wear her champagne pink mother of the bride dress. Now you might be like but it's your wedding blah blah blah, the person that does something first is the guinea pig and allowed to test the waters. The one after usually gets stopped dead in their tracks.... My mother flat out told me one day that the child's wedding is the parent's wedding. If she doesnt get it the first time, the second time ahhhh ....prepare for future fight *check*

2) People start treating you like you are emotionally fragile

All of a sudden everyone, especially those old aunties, begin inquiring about your love life with extra concern. "How's your friend?"they ask and hold their breath hoping I say he's fine and not, 'oh we dont talk anymore'. Why is this old lady rubbing my back when she asks me about my life, as though I'm depressed?

 Im living rent free with momma, those ppl at the altar gotta go find some rent money every month, I'm cool chica, go join or something.

3) The people who were overlooked on the first wedding's guest list will surely be snuck onto yours...

4) Any deviant behaviour is measured against their success.

If one kids pulls all A's and the others dont, they hear about it. If everyone is pulling C's it doesnt look so bad. First borns set the trend and are not measured. We just aren't!

5) It's not new aka not a big deal.
Dammit all first children understand how special it is to be first! Everything is new with you. Us first children have obscene amounts of baby pictures because everything we do is novel and cute. The other kids....meh...first time eating with a spoon is sooo over-rated the 2nd and 3rd time. First big graduation, everybody is invited to celebrate that a child has passed the point of being a juvenile deliquent. The next child, ok well it's great that you made it, here's some cake. Please stop reading this if you are not a first child. You just wont get it lol.

This is in no way a post out of jealousy, if that's what you are thinking, you 2nd and 3rders are so clueless. I am content with my current lot in life. It's a simple existence that makes me smile daily. I'm still in my prime and not ready to leave the nest. *That's what I tell myself to sleep at night, rocks back n forth in corner* ... I'm just messing with you. But seriously  I wish all my siblings the best in everything they do and total success in every step they take. But I'm just saying, we have rules and order for a reason.... *thinks of ways to grab attention in the meanwhile....enrolls in NASA Space Program.*

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Happy New Year

Happy New Year! Thanks to everyone who reads often and to those who encourage me by gently reminding me that I have been absent from the blogsphere for too long. I really appreciate the encouragement that keeps me going when I feel like no one is reading :) I wont make another resolution to post more, I will however promise to try. In terms of the blog I will be perfecting my blogging voice so get ready for a bit of a change. It's a good change I promise! I already have 3 posts lined up for this month... yay me!

So I stopped making resolutions a while ago. For a change I made an inspiration board. This doesnt outline my goals but gives me general reminders of the things I want to get done. It was a really great experience. It focuses your mind on the year to come, I will definitely be making this an annual activity.

This year I am planning to focus more on myself. You must be thinking that I've decided to be selfish, but I promise you that I'm far from that. My theme for the year is Dancing on the Moon (surprisingly this has never been my theme for a year). My theme encourages me to have no fears and no worries. I wasted alot of time last year consumed in my thoughts and worries. I am working on my adult, independent self, hence learning to be my own person without apologies.

I heard a great, budding motivational speaker give a graduation speech last year and he charged the grads to always try harder and do better. This is what I plan to do this year as well and I encourage all of you my lovely readers to take this advice to heart and of course just enjoy the life you are given with gratitude

As customary here are my quotations for the year: one spiritual and one inspirational
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you are not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?' Matt 26-27

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt