Thursday, August 23, 2012

Forgive you, forgive you not...

Long story short, I had been  aware of something someone had done to deceive to me many years ago, but only recently was made to understand full extent of the wretchedness (that's a word right?) After trying to .....trying to....oh trying to contain my anger in regards to the act that defines the term backstabbing (all this sounds so dramatic right? Trust me this story is a dozy!) I pondered how to move on from this. A lot of stuff came up, so hear me out.

 How do you find closure when you can't tell someone how you feel. When you can't have your chance to say 'You are a wretched soul.' Do you always just hold these words, this speech in your mind and only recite it in your imagination?

More importantly how does one truly forgive? I find that in many instances I am not sure whether I have forgiven someone or simply forgotten because they are outta sight, outta mind. It's only hurts when someone digs a knife against a closed up scar causing a throbbing pain, making me remember what that pain felt like. Then the anger resurfaces, the disgust, the annoyance, then you wonder have I really forgiven or have I temporarily put it out of my treading thoughts? Then I repeat these words in my head... I kid you not I can never forget these lyrics and I really repeat them when I get mad. 
Repeat it ...dont hate.... don't hate.... don't hate. How do you know if you have forgiven someone who may never come to you and say I am truly sorry?

You know this forgiveness thing is funny. I can forgive the person who doesn't disguise who they are. The playboy, the admitted con artist, the undependable friend. The people who admit that they have bad ways and can't guarantee that they will change,  I can forgive them for being yourself. I find it hard to find peace with the wolf in sheep's clothing who vows to be a sheep and even helps you to find the other lost lambs.  Oprah once said that forgiveness is about being able to say thank you for the experience. But who wants to say thank you for showing me how deceitful humans are, therefore chipping away more at my faith in mankind? Have you forgiven when anger still pumps through your veins at the mere mention of their name? Have you forgiven when you can say without a doubt that you will never speak to this person again? Does this mean that you have not freed your soul? Or can forgiveness simply mean that you have decided that karma shall find her way back around, so go your way for I have my living to do. How do you ever really know ?

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