Quite often I come to a point during my quiet moments that makes me very angry and disappointed with myself, so with straight talk and no chasers imma just tell you what I think about myself sometimes.
To best illustrate my point without telling my life story I will draw reference to a couple I saw on tv. I watched about 2 episodes so forgive if my back story isnt 100% accurate, my reference comes from brief observation. So yeah I was watching Chrissy and Mr. Jones. I dont know much about them other than the fact that he's a rapper and she seems like his nice other half who sticks by him come what may. From what I saw he was lazy, not interested in fully committing to the relationship and just a plain out jerk. I dont know their history but I am sure that as a rapper we can also question his fidelity...cmon he's a rapper! But through it all Chrissy just seems to put up with it.
It disappoints me that I used to be a Chrissy. The woman that refuses to deal with all the red flags that are beating her over the head. She just makes it work. It upsets me that I had grown into this person. I admire the people who have always had their isssh together. They take shit from no one and they keep it moving. I cant make excuses for myself, I was a Chrissy and I hate- it is a strong word but I'm serious - myself for it. It makes me wanna reverse the hands of time and shake my old self! Shake her until she has no choice but to walk away. I would probably scream 'Save yourself girl! You are drowning, save yourself!'
I cant blame age because Chrissy is a grown ass woman, young and foolish can not always be my cop out. Some women are just Chrissys, can we help it? I hope so, cuz I cant ever be a Chrissy again. I just refuse to be. Against all that I find safe and cozy I wont be her again. I cant be the person who just refuses to hop off the train bound for destruction. I have to want better for myself.
Maybe it's a strong delusional belief. A belief that consumes you until you only believe that. Maybe it was the thought that by giving an overwhelming amount of love a person will one day have an epiphany and change their ways. But instead it is the Chrissy who needs an epiphany. A Chrisette Michelle Epiphany 'Im leaving, no more wondering, what you've been doing. Where you been sleeping. It's over. I'm leaving.'
You get past the point of listening to hints and reasoning. You get to a point where your tunnel vision takes over and you find an excuse for Mr. Jones. You are convinced that with a little more time with another step you can reform Mr. Jones. With every small victory or sweet word you get a little more convinced that Mr. Jones is making slight progress.
Truth is he never is or was. Well maybe that small 2% of Mr. Jones's are. But waiting to find out if Mr. Jones will change is a dangerous game. Mr. Jones just gets more comfortable and better at what he does. He perfects the lies, he knows that for every apology he can make a thousand more. It makes you look back and wanna kick yourself really hard because you accepted the love you thought you deserved and for some sad reason you either didnt think that you deserved alot or you didnt think that you could find better.
So what to do? I think Alicia Keys sang it best in the the song Lesson Learned
It's called the past 'cause I’m getting pastAnd I ain’t nothing like I was beforeYou oughta see me nowYes, I was burned but I called it a lesson learnedMistake overturned so I called it a lesson learnedMy soul has returned so I call it a lesson learnedAnother lesson learned
To all the Chrissys out there, I know the fear of the unknown and the shame of failure keeps you glued to your post. But take it from me there are greener pastures over the mountain you just gotta climb and be free.
This has been some straight talk from the Moondancer!
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