After this eye opening kick I began to slowly become slightly terrified of getting married. It's a big deal! It's more than living with a man, doing household chores and raising kids. It's an active commitment to making it work, to deal with the attitude, with the differences, with the times you want the person out your space. What scares me more is what I see when I look around. I am beginning to see the 50% divorce rate play out in my newsfeed. It freaks me out to see the wedding photos of couples crying on the alter and then 2 years later notice strange statuses, absent wedding bands and removal of recently acquired last names. I'm not watching the older people married for 40 years, I'm looking at my peers, I am hoping that they can show me the good example. The example that puts your mind at ease, that although hard it can be done.
It gives me mini anxiety attacks, because I often wonder if these people had started off on a known crash course. You know the ones that people whisper about...'why are they getting married?' Or are they the earnest notion of love, seemingly happy, in love and committed. What goes wrong in 1-5 years? Didn't they like anyone else start out with the will to make it work? I guess pictures dont really tell a thousand words, because in pictures everyone looks perfect. There are young people that I know and see that give me that hope and knowledge that it indeed can be done and through the challenges it can be worth it. *Thank God for good examples*
There's a couple I see every so often when I walk to my car in the afternoon. The husband is usually sitting on the steps of a building waiting on his wife to come down the road. Once she get to him they smile and share a kiss and begin walking down the road, engrossed in conversation. That isnt a show (they dont know I'm watching), that isnt a picture in an album on a day you are supposed to smile alot. It is just two people glad to be spending thier lives together. They make me smile every time, my little reminder that love is all around if you just look. And that the scary marriage statistics, just mean that you have to work even harder than you originally thought.
To my married friends fight in the trenches, get mud in your hair if you must just please hold it together.
As for me and my anxiety, I will repeat the words of my adopted grandmother -she doesn't know this yet.
'Trust in love one more time and always one more time.' ~Maya Angelou~
A couple of months ago, I saw a colleague. He lost weight and was looking good. He was like Thank God for my wife. She is my workout buddy and my eating right buddy. We decided to do it together. It was sweet.
ReplyDeleteThe next day, I was expressing the same reservations to a married friend and she was like the people who make it work do not play their lives out on Facebook because every day, week and month is not a picture perfect sharing moment. It is work. Hard conversations, compromise and negotiations that end in nights of sweet kisses of 'i don't like you right now but I still love you'
Then the other day, Criminal Minds quoted “Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another.” ― Thomas Merton
That's my little revelations about marriage this year that got me thinking, but I like you am still trying to figure it out.
Thanks for sharing.
I love that quote! I think people rarely want to talk about the nitty gritty of marriage. It would help those who dont know.
DeleteWith 21 years under my belt I can say this... A marriage based on honesty has a good foundation. I can't speak for other churches, but the Catholic church has a very rigorous marriage preparation. The discussions are frank and no holds barred. At the end of it all, the couple has an interview with the priest, individually and together, during which a loooong questionnaire is administered. If you are honest with yourself, you will have a long lasting marriage.
ReplyDeleteDuring one of our marriage prep sessions the facilitator walked into the room and declared "the man is the head of the household so what he says goes." A rousing discussion ensued. This quiet girl who hardly ever spoke declared "No way! It is a shared responsibility." Her husband to be declared "Shared? No way! I am the head of the household and all decisions rest with me." Needless to say, that was the last session they attended and they never got married.
I understand your concern though, because I see it with my peers. Four of my friends got married the same year I did, sadly I'm the only survivor. their marriages failed because they were not honest in the beginning.
Only YOU will know when you are ready. Listen to your intuition.
Congrats on 21 yrs! I hope to be like you someday. I will continue to observe and use my gut
DeleteI agree with you, I've been married for 2 years and I've been with my husband for 6. A lot of our friends have gotten married with 8+ years in that particular relationship and then 1, 2 years later they're divorced. It breaks my heart but these are the people who post every single thing about their lives on facebook and instagram.
ReplyDelete"Husband made me a bubble bath!! Love him."
"We're off on a romantic weekend, be jealous everyone."
"He sent me flowers at work, my husband is the best."
Then a few short months after that, they are living the single life.
Before I got married, my eyes were open, I knew marriage was going to be work but I didn't anticipate THAT much work. My husband and I are committed on being married for the rest of our lives; whatever it is, we'll work it out. Marriage isn't all about fairy tales, it's a second job, you have to constantly work at it but if you truly love the person then it shouldn't feel like a chore, it will be second nature. People chose the easy route: "Oh, it's not working out lets just get a divorce." I refuse to get a divorce, plus my husband and I paid for our own wedding so I refuse to let my money go to waste..lol
Thanks for your advice! Keep working at it, the rest of us are counting on you :)
DeleteI am not married nor ever been, but hearing how one constantly have to be working on the marriage and how it take "SO" much hard work basically is not very encouraging. It just sounds too difficult and too tiresome. Also, frankly, I hardly hear men say these things. Most times it comes from the females. So it lets me question, "Are we the ones making the marriage more difficult than it really is?"
ReplyDeleteI personally think,some persons make their marriage too difficult with all of these "expectations". Where is it written in stone, that a marriage should be a particular way. IT should be what you make it to be without much friction.
I am one that like my "sense of freedom",so before I can embark on such a journey, a whole lot of simulations will have to take place.
Yes sometimes I feel the same when I hear it's hard work! Isnt anything in life easy?
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