The Silver Linings of a Troubled Mind

I finally got around to watching Silver Linings Playbook...yes finally! I absolutely loved every anxiety driven moment of it. Btw I still think that Quvenzhane deserved the Oscar for Beasts of the Southern Wild...I'm just saying! Upon reflection I realised that although humourous the movie touched on a topic that we often laugh about. When someone suffers a heartbreak we say 'they took it on', we tell them to stop whimpering and whining and man up. We laughed about the man that ran around town naked after his partner allegedly left him. Men arent allowed to cry and women only have a few tolerable days to sulk before their friends and family give them a stern talking to.

Silver Linings Playbook illustrated the fact that some people cant man up and face life as directed. Some people with no fault of their own, mentally fall apart. Anybody can break. We keep selling this myth that weak people fall apart, that the weak go 'crazy' and that the weak go to therapy three times a week. When the conditions align against you even the 'strongest' of persons can snap under pressure. I've had friends that have scared the crap outta me with things they have said or done indicating that they were close to breaking. Scared me to the point that I wanted to go to counseling to get advice on helping them. The worse thing to do would have been to attempt operation tough love. Sometimes all you can do is offer some alternatives. Sometimes all you have to say is 'I want to help you, tell me what you need.'

Today's lesson- Be gentle, be understanding even if you don't get it, and most importantly help where and when you can.

For the love of Janet Jackson & the small of her back!

Recently a friend of mine, whose presence I cherish greatly, composed a blog posting to 'The Girls Whose Thighs Touch'. She delved into the issues and triumphs of being a girl whose thighs touch. I would like to dedicate this post to the girls who love small of their back....stay with me I promise this will make sense shortly.
Janet Jackson did an in-depth interview a few years back. I like these kind of heart to heart interviews, I always get to see the human side of the star. She spoke about her struggle with self esteem. Janet revealed that the one thing she loved most about her body was the small of her back. I have never in my life heard someone say 'The small of her back is so hot.' or 'I wish I had a lower back like her.'
I was dumbfounded to hear that she didnt really like much else. The woman that has been on the cover of multiple magazines, the one walking the red carpet in some sexy mid- drift bearing outfits, the mega star that performs for hundreds on a nightly basis doesnt find herself attractive? I found it ironic. In 2001, I actually tore off the cover of a magazine and took it to the makeup store. I wanted her look for prom....it didnt work out the same but I adored the picture and wanted to look as sweet as her.

After I got over the shock of her admission, I saw a real person, a person I wanted to have lunch with. She went on to say that she struggled with weight gain as a child and that her brood of siblings would poke fun at her. She relayed that poking fun at each other wasnt uncommon to them, nor is it uncommon to kids. But not all children are built the same. Not all of them have found their identity, so they have nothing to base their strength on. So what  doesn't bother one child, can scar another. And for once in my life I didnt feel alone. I didnt feel weak. I didnt feel misunderstood because this woman who I have never met explained why I couldnt manage the jeers of others. I didnt feel crazy to think that once in my life I would have probably said that my fingers were my best asset. I thought I could say my fingers and no one would compare me or disagree. To hear this woman photographed by thousands, say that she kinda likes her butt now and that she is only now beginning to appreciate herself in her 40s was a huge relief.
It doesn't matter if you are the subject of a photo shoot or standing in your mirror. A part of the reflection you see is what the outside world has engrained in you. For some of us the world hasn't been too kind. For some of us a general appreciation of self is only now developing. Miss Janet Jackson if you ever see this, I just wanted to let you know that I heard you, I understand and thanks for saying it.

Stupid In Love - Admit One

I was on vacation....that's my story and I'm sticking with it....well preparing for vacation then going, hence the lapse...but enough of the excuses....let's get straight to the topic....
Why do seemingly sensible women make the dumbest decisions when it comes to men?

Now before you call me the biggest hypocrite known to man, let me explain myself. I was young and stupid...aight I realise that excuse has holes. I have a theory, that everyone deserves one Stupid In Love Pass. Yep a Stupid in Love Pass (this is the original idea of Floree A. Williams). I think as humans we all deserve a chance to mess up because we fell down the rabbit hole of love, and didnt know what to do with ourselves. It's a pass to have the relationship that embarrasses you years later. But you only get one pass, because you should have learned something after the pass expires. You should have  learned the danger of following the white rabbit down a hole where you have no footing. I would hope that the next time you see a white rabbit and you wanna follow him that you can get a rope, tie it to a tree and repel down. But beware there is fine print on the pass. Not everyone's stupid in love story ends with a rainbow after a stormy past. The world out there is dangerous and the cost of the wrong tango can be life changing.

You must be wondering where I'm going with this...I've become aware lately through observation that some women I know whether personally or from afar are in some situations with men that make me scratch my head. Women that I look at as strong, independent, sensible and all together. Mmmm imagine that you found out that Condoleezza Rice was dating that dude you see hanging on the corner 24/7 with his pants waist under his bottom.

You would shake her right? And say 'what is wrong with you woman!' You are highly intelligent and classy! What's with this dud?

Now here comes the Neutral Police....you know the people that always try to say, 'well maybe he's a nice guy, dont judge a book by the cover, she's happy'..blah.. blah.. I once heard someone say that we have become a generation of people who are so busy trying not to step on people's toes that we dont say things as they are.
He's the dude whose biggest priority is getting expensive bottle service at the club to floss and cant pay child support. He's the dude that is very married and has the usual 'imma leave my wife' excuse. He's the dude who is extremely possessive and controlling. Don't tell me I'm judging that guy and define happy for me!  He is what he is and doesn't do much to hide it. For some sad reason that woman thought it best to lower her standards to be with him. That woman is your good friend/sister/ aunt and she deserves better than him. Sometimes we say this outloud if we are brash, or softly if we feel wary. And sometimes, alot of times, she lashes back and takes it the wrong way.

Maybe she doesnt think better exists, maybe she is tired of looking and is ready to settle with the next guy that says a sweet word. Maybe she doesnt think much of herself. Whatever it is I just wanted to say  we all deserve better!

The Misunderstandings of the 20's

As I begin the last laps of my 20's -insert terrified face coupled with the Doritos goat scream- I have started the slow process of reflecting on this decade of growth and change. I've gotta laugh at the thought of how ill prepared I was for being an adult.There is no manual called How to be Twenty Something. And seeing that these are the years where you are likely to screw up life the most there really should be more preparatory information!  Let me tell you why:

1) Every 20 something year old who has graduated a teritary institution takes off the cap and gown and feels empowered and ready to conquer the world with degree in hand. No one tells you that 4 years of school is just an expensive formality. You get to your first job and find out that being able to write an essay on a theory, created by some old, white, dead guy aint gonna help you one bit! Working is where the learning starts apparently... *rolls eyes*

2) You do not know it all! Enough said!

3) All those benchmarks that you made in your younger days were just hot air. I remember being high school and stating that I would be married by 25 and kids by 27-28 after I had travelled the world with my husband and enjoyed our marriage, oh ps we would have a 2 story house as well. At age 16, turning 25 sounded like this magical age where you had life together. You get to 25 and realise that you were so not ready for the world and that little girl had no idea what she was saying!

4) You are young, wild and free live it up, your time is now. While I agree that one should enjoy your 20's to the max, the people that told you to live it up forgot to tell you the fine print.  Anything you do now to screw up your life is totally your fault and is way harder to reverse than when you were 18. Think of all the firsts you go through in your 20's - 1st real job, 1st bank loan, 1st promotion, 1st adult relationship. You have passed the young and foolish stage, you are no longer none the wiser and according to science your brain has fully developed! Aka Mommy and Daddy are no longer legally obliged to clean up your spilt milk. Screw up the job- delay your career or ruin it, screw up your finances- be broke, set back and unhappy, screw up your relationship- oh good grief!


Advice I've gotten so far that makes sense :
Save save save!
Dont use these years to spend like there's no tomorrow. Starting your 30's broke can delay your dreams for another decade. Try and save all you can now and try to clear up any debt.

Do everything you can while you live at home
Enjoy the cushy time spent living with your parents. Once you are out in the world you are responsible for yourself or others 24/7. At home with the 'rents you may still be able to get a few cooked meals a week.

As I continue jogging on the track outta 20's ville .... yes Mr Race Official I heard the lap bell- I cringe at thinking of how I really gotta get my self together for the next decade!

Heaven help the confused

I often find the comments under articles and other types of posts quite amusing. Do you know that people even have heated debates under gospel videos and other religiously based material? Think of how the internet age has allowed anyone to anonymously air their views on any topic. I say all this to get to today's topic. Unless you have been living under a rock you would have heard that Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together after being estranged for about 4 years. You know this post isnt about celebrity gossip so dont stop reading. I have observed the commentary under articles relating to the pair and alot of the thoughts expressed scare me. A few brave honest souls expressed their concern/distaste for the renewed relationship only to be met by the wrath of who I would assume to be fans. The fans say 'leave her alone!', 'at least she's happy', 'mind your business', 'they were meant to be'. This wasnt just the sentiment expressed under one photo or article but many.

The comments scared me because it seems like her broad smile meant more to them that her apparent danger. Now don't tell me that things are different now and I have no right to judge their relationship. Chris Brown got into a fight the other day over a parking space! And a couple of weeks after that he appeared in court over an altercation in a club. Does this sound like a changed man to you? Did you forget the day he flung a chair out of the Good Morning America dressing room wrecking their glass window? Let me guess he still has a temper but doesnt hit women anymore.

Are we willing to ignore what goes on behind closed doors because someone looks or says they are happy? I do not hold Rihanna responsible for being a mentor to other abused women because she is human. And I honestly see a girl who was unable to process the loss of her first love. A girl who thinks that she deserves what he has to offer. I am more concerned that the people defending her would lend this same advice to a friend. 'Girl if he says he's sorry and wont do it again, go back if you love him. You deserve to be happy.And yall are so cute together.'

How many people reading these articles use this as validation to stay in the mess that they are in. Why isnt it ok to say I dont care how much I love her music, I dont care how much she says she loves him, she deserves better! We stare at this good looking couple who has everything in the world and think oh it will be ok for them, he loves her more this time, he left that other chick for her. This is the case in the life of many everyday people. We know what happens we hear it and see it. But there is this notion that they look good together so it will be ok. Or maybe he will stop someday. I really feel for the confused persons who are following her actions, reading the positive comments and thinking maybe it's ok to go back. It's ok cuz it happens to Rihanna and she's ok.
I think Whitney Houston's character in the movie Sparkle sums it all up perfectly. 'Wasnt my life enough of a cautionary tale?'

The Next Big Thing

Tag I'm it!  So I've been tagged by author Joanne Hillhouse to participate in a blog relay called 'The Next Big Thing'. You can check out her post on her blog here. You can also check out another author/ blogger, Tameka- Jarvis George that I religiously follow on her blog. Basically Im going to answer some questions based on my last book as seen below available on Amazon, Kindle and Best of Books Antigua. *shameless plug over and out* See interview below

If all men are dogs, does that make all women bitches?

I just got in a little debate with someone and felt inspired to write a post. And can you imagine that this isn't the post I began writing for this week. Im doing well. I'm proud....ok back to the topic at hand. A friend of mine expressed her dislike at a paragraph of advice given by a popular life coach on how to treat your male partner/spouse. She thought that there was an unfair balance of advice dissemination and that men were the ones who needed the advice. She thought that women were the ones holding their relationship together and making the sacrifices.
While I do agree that there is an unbalance, I mean just pick up any women's magazine! You are guaranteed to find at least one article explaining how to please your man. Pick up any men's magazine and find it a rare treat to see something about making your woman happy.

As a young girl growing up all you heard was 'all men are dogs.' After going through years of observation I have come to the conclusion that there is no unbalance when it comes to relationships. All women are not angels and all men are not dogs. In fact sometimes we give men a bad rap. How is a young man supposed to grow up decent if he is burdened with a label he hasn't earned?
*disclaimer this post is purely relationship based and doesnt cover gender based issues such as domestic abuse and rape*

•  For every man that cheats there's a woman who is willingly cheated with him knowing of his relationship status. 

• For every dead beat dad, there's a no good mother who would neglect her kids for a new hair style and some manicured nails. 

• For every man that said 'you know I'm not ready to settle down.' There's a woman that said 'I dont care, I just want to be with you.'

• For every man that cheats on his good woman. There's a woman that cheats on her 'too nice' man. *PS I never understand when women say this. Oh he was just too nice....and being nice is bad why? Then she finds a 'bad boy' who treats her horribly then all of a sudden you hear how wretched the gender is.....women make no sense sometimes I admit!* 

• For every man that has outside children there's a woman who knows her kid aint his! (ok this one might be unbalanced but you get the point, it happens.) 

I am not advocating for the ill treatment of nice people. I am just saying that people are just people,  black, white, indian, chinese, we all have different characters, convictions and tragic flaws. Hence maybe one can say 'people are horrible!'

Let's remember this especially when we are talking around children they deserve a fair chance to grow up without labels.