The Queen of Hearts

Dearest readers, please dont cuss me. I know I promised to have more posts this year but my writing has been all over the place this year and I've been trying to mentally gather myself...so that's my excuse :) Ok now to the post.

I can be considered a soft hearted person. I get all warm and fuzzy when I see babies and puppies, show me a baby hugging a puppy and I will melt faster than a chocolate ice cream bar on a hot summer day. I am a lover and have been known to cry at a heartfelt commercial. With that being said I know that this trait while noble can also be a hinderance in the working world. So it would be a surprise to most that the work me and the social me are two different people. I am working on my hard-ass-ness (yes I made up a term) lol and I am quite good at giving the unpopular answer.

 I once worked under the helm of a woman I greatly respect as a person and as a professional. Before working at her establishment I used to see her and duly noted her stern nature and don't mess with me attitude. Normally I would avoid working for such persons but I needed a job and I heard that an international student would have an easier chance of getting a job there. Thankfully a supervisor interviewed me so I was able to keep my perspiration in check and got the job. During my first year under her reign I didn't interact with her much other than hello, goodbye and thanks for my pay. Once she gave me a tax stub and poor little island girl me had no idea what to do with it. Let's just say that I didnt do my taxes that year.
By my second year there I guess I had passed her year long test and because I came back I guess she realised that I would be around for a long time. Or maybe she just finally warmed up to my irresistable likeableness (yep most people, usually love me!) Whatever the reason was she began to open up to me  and I came to love her. As a woman in an expected man's position I began to understand the whats and the whys to her actions. She told me a story once that I will never forget.
She was once the manager of a bar and one day a beer delivery guy came to do his drop off. He asked for the manager and she said that's me. The young buck laughed and said 'but seriously can I talk to the manager?'  Feeling highly offended she told him to apologize or she would have all of his company's products off the shelf and report him to the president of the company. He flippantly told her, 'you cant do that.' She plainly responded in her matter of fact tone 'Dont tell me I cant, no one tells me I can't.' You best believe that after a few calls that whole delivery was free with the compliments of the company president.
Working with her taught me about being respected vs being loved. The people that were closest to her respected and loved her. The people that didnt thought she was a bitch, and that was fine with her. At 2am when she needs to tell a rowdy patron to get the hell outta her place she can do it and be obeyed immediately. She could walk into a room and know that her presence alone stops wrong doers from their activities.

The Queen of Hearts in the Tim Burton's adaption of Alice in Wonderland asked her Henchman 'Is it better to be feared or loved?"
I feel like it is better to have both, to be loved by those who dare to get close to you and feared by those who look for an easy target. I strive to adopt her attitude in the work world. As I evaluate my life she will always have a mark as a person who left a lasting impression on me as a young 20 something year old trying to find herself in the world. And most importantly I wont allow anyone to tell me I cant!

I cant make you love me.......

During the last week I happened across some songs that got me thinking, so I composed a post, *2 posts in one week, is it Christmas?* :)
I think the best person to introduce this post would be the great Bonnie Raitt. In her simple yet powerful words, "I can't make you love me, if you dont. I cant make your heart feel something it won't" 



We all want to be loved and desired. No matter how we mask our feelings and pretend to be hard and over it all, we all at our core want to be loved. But love is the one thing we all want but we cant make it happen on our own. We as humans can do so much to change our fate. If we want a better life we push harder at work for a promotion. If we want to advance in education we bust our asses in school to get a scholarship.  Heck if we wanna get out of the hood we make the necessary sacrifices to move on up to the east side. But when we want someone to love us we cant make it happen.
I would now like to draw your attention to this Rebecca Ferguson song which is beyond beautiful.



In essence she is yearning for this person to notice her, because she notices him and wants him to be with her. But he doesn't seem to acknowledge her existence, which causes her to sing,
"I'll put a spell on you when you are asleep. And when you wake I'll be the first thing you see and you'll realise that you love me."
It made me sad when I heard it because such a seemingly simple thought is indeed so much more complicated.  She didnt ask for a million dollars or to be the world's biggest star, all she wants is for one single individual on this earth populated with billions to love her.  We all know that love potions and spells are hoaxes. In the Caribbean we talk about 'tying' someone, but that doesn't work either. We cant force someone, supernaturally or otherwise, to love us. We can dress up and put on a beautiful face and maybe captivate someone for a few hours, a few days or weeks. And in some cases we can give up a piece of ourselves in hopes of enchanting the lustful. This part brings me to this song, an oldie originally sung by The Shirelles but remade by Norah Jones. No offense to The Shirelles but if yall felt this song it wouldn't have been sung so happily!



After listening to Norah's try I realised how tragic the song was. "Is this a lasting treasure or just a moment's pleasure?"  Simply put after the darkness fades on a night of fulfilled wants will you need me when we wake up?
If you were to think deeper she really asks the wrong question. It wasnt love that got them to that moment, lust -possibly, longing- maybe, curiosity- likely, desperation- probably. Over the past few months I have learned that love is not an emotion, being in love is a conscious action. I love you means I am going to try and make a conscious effort to treat you as you deserve. So you dont fall out of love you simply stop trying. I think that realisation helped to answer alot of unresolved conflicts in my mind in regards to love. And I think this definition goes for any kind of love. I dont think we automatically love our children when they are born. I think we decide to love them no matter what may come. The opposite result is probably why so many wayward parents exist.
But back to the point of this post, no matter how much you try you can never make someone love you. And that my friends is one of the saddest realisations of life.

The 6th step

So something significant happened to me the other day. Unfortunately I wont tell you in detail *listens to the crowd go ahh*
However I will talk about the lesson learnt. I kept finding myself in this weird uncomfortable situation. My friends kept telling me I was being put in this situation to learn to be comfortable. Ok fine, I got comfortable but I kept getting pushed into corners I didnt wanna be in. And I started to feel weak from exerting so much 'comfortable energy'. And then in one of these moments/situations I felt a gentle push telling me to go, step forward, and then I realised that I had been missing the message the whole time.  I wasn't being taught how to be comfortable in situations with people I don't favour, I was being given an opportunity to unload my burden. But I was so caught up with grinning and bearing that I didn't get it.  Sometimes the answers to your silent wishes are granted and you mistake the answer for something else. I honestly thought that I was being punished. I wanted to scream, I was growing tired of dealing with it all, until in a moment of quiet I felt the push. A gentle whisper that I have the strength to do what I have always wanted to do.

Lesson: Sometimes you have to free yourself to fly.

The 6th step.....Closure :)

Humans of....

During my daily social networking I spotted a link to a page called Humans of New York. Between a mix of boredom and nosiness I checked out the page. Subsequently the next few hours of my life were well spent looking through photos of New Yorkers. The owner of the page basically walks the streets of New York taking photos of those he comes across; the ordinary, the intriguing and the quirky. I loved the fact that he would often ask someone the simple question, what's your story? The answers are usually so interesting. I envy the person who can find an excuse to dig into the stories of the persons we may pass daily on the street. I often stare at people while they are not aware and wonder what their story is, so I got to live vicariously through this photographer.
After maxing out the New York scene I decided to check out India next. I was indeed touched by the characters I was introduced to. From the little boy in the market giving out compliments to every passer by just because he wanted to make someone's day, to the man that carries around beer bottle caps as penance for his alcoholism, it was more than time well spent.

Now to the point of this post, I came across a photo and caption that passed the outer regions of my heart and went straight to the core.

"This boy was at a crossing, begging like a thousand others around him. I gave him all the money I had on me, which was only 10 rupees (20 cents). I said it was all I had, meaning all that I had on me at the time, but he took it the other way. "If that is all you have, then keep it." The boy placed the coins back into my palms. I explained what I actually meant, and gave the rupees back. His compassion was deeply affecting."

To think that a less fortunate child begging on the streets, could be so compassionate to a 1st world looking stranger with a large expensive camera is absolutely moving. 

Every time I am being miserable, ungrateful, stingy or worrisome over money or any other luxury of life, may I remember this pure soul.

The Laughing Heart

I heard this poem on the Levi's ad and I love it! 

The Laughing Heart 

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

@Charles Bukowski

Wait a minute....

I got extremely overwhelmed the other day, all from being trapped in my head. I had one of those freeze frame moment where it seemed  like the world had stopped for a millisecond and I got to survey my life. I realised that I lacked the stability that I have grown accustomed to. So many things keep changing and I havent been able to settle into my normal routine of life for a while. Let me explain, I kind of like patterns when it comes to the things I do everyday. I need some things to remain constant, some things that will always be the same. When things in my daily activities/environment keep changing I start feeling unbalanced....you wont get it unless you feel the same lol. Just before the world resumed its hyper speed spin the image of a little girl came to mind, I guess you can say that it was probably me, and this is what I wanted to say to her.

Laugh! Laugh harder, laugh longer.
Dont stop running, dont stop playing, dont stop.
For everyday you get a little further away from these times of reckless abandonment.
Tumble on the ground, swing in the trees, eat candy until your belly hurts, dont stop.
Tomorrow will not be the same as today, tomorrow you will be grown.
Tomorrow you must be responsible for everything, you must do as expected, you must deal with life.
So love today for it will never return; finger paint, dance in the rain, jump in muddy puddles and talk to toys.
For tomorrow your jokes wont be funny, your innocence will not be accepted and you will be on your own.
Tomorrow you will worry about the next day and the one after that, about things with dollar signs, about matters of the heart and problems of the world.
Today you must slide down that hill and get your clothes stained and grassy
Today you must play rings games and get gum in your hair
Today, you must cherish this day, for tomorrow well, tomorrow just wont be so simple.

Cheers to the days of simplicity!

Forgive you, forgive you not...

Long story short, I had been  aware of something someone had done to deceive to me many years ago, but only recently was made to understand full extent of the wretchedness (that's a word right?) After trying to .....trying to....oh trying to contain my anger in regards to the act that defines the term backstabbing (all this sounds so dramatic right? Trust me this story is a dozy!) I pondered how to move on from this. A lot of stuff came up, so hear me out.

 How do you find closure when you can't tell someone how you feel. When you can't have your chance to say 'You are a wretched soul.' Do you always just hold these words, this speech in your mind and only recite it in your imagination?

More importantly how does one truly forgive? I find that in many instances I am not sure whether I have forgiven someone or simply forgotten because they are outta sight, outta mind. It's only hurts when someone digs a knife against a closed up scar causing a throbbing pain, making me remember what that pain felt like. Then the anger resurfaces, the disgust, the annoyance, then you wonder have I really forgiven or have I temporarily put it out of my treading thoughts? Then I repeat these words in my head... I kid you not I can never forget these lyrics and I really repeat them when I get mad. 

Repeat it ...dont hate.... don't hate.... don't hate. How do you know if you have forgiven someone who may never come to you and say I am truly sorry?

You know this forgiveness thing is funny. I can forgive the person who doesn't disguise who they are. The playboy, the admitted con artist, the undependable friend. The people who admit that they have bad ways and can't guarantee that they will change,  I can forgive them for being yourself. I find it hard to find peace with the wolf in sheep's clothing who vows to be a sheep and even helps you to find the other lost lambs.  Oprah once said that forgiveness is about being able to say thank you for the experience. But who wants to say thank you for showing me how deceitful humans are, therefore chipping away more at my faith in mankind? Have you forgiven when anger still pumps through your veins at the mere mention of their name? Have you forgiven when you can say without a doubt that you will never speak to this person again? Does this mean that you have not freed your soul? Or can forgiveness simply mean that you have decided that karma shall find her way back around, so go your way for I have my living to do. How do you ever really know ?