Forgive you, forgive you not...

Long story short, I had been  aware of something someone had done to deceive to me many years ago, but only recently was made to understand full extent of the wretchedness (that's a word right?) After trying to .....trying to....oh trying to contain my anger in regards to the act that defines the term backstabbing (all this sounds so dramatic right? Trust me this story is a dozy!) I pondered how to move on from this. A lot of stuff came up, so hear me out.

 How do you find closure when you can't tell someone how you feel. When you can't have your chance to say 'You are a wretched soul.' Do you always just hold these words, this speech in your mind and only recite it in your imagination?

More importantly how does one truly forgive? I find that in many instances I am not sure whether I have forgiven someone or simply forgotten because they are outta sight, outta mind. It's only hurts when someone digs a knife against a closed up scar causing a throbbing pain, making me remember what that pain felt like. Then the anger resurfaces, the disgust, the annoyance, then you wonder have I really forgiven or have I temporarily put it out of my treading thoughts? Then I repeat these words in my head... I kid you not I can never forget these lyrics and I really repeat them when I get mad. 

Repeat it ...dont hate.... don't hate.... don't hate. How do you know if you have forgiven someone who may never come to you and say I am truly sorry?

You know this forgiveness thing is funny. I can forgive the person who doesn't disguise who they are. The playboy, the admitted con artist, the undependable friend. The people who admit that they have bad ways and can't guarantee that they will change,  I can forgive them for being yourself. I find it hard to find peace with the wolf in sheep's clothing who vows to be a sheep and even helps you to find the other lost lambs.  Oprah once said that forgiveness is about being able to say thank you for the experience. But who wants to say thank you for showing me how deceitful humans are, therefore chipping away more at my faith in mankind? Have you forgiven when anger still pumps through your veins at the mere mention of their name? Have you forgiven when you can say without a doubt that you will never speak to this person again? Does this mean that you have not freed your soul? Or can forgiveness simply mean that you have decided that karma shall find her way back around, so go your way for I have my living to do. How do you ever really know ?

A Dreamer

Ladies and gentleman and electronic internet bots ... I have an announcement... put down the champagne it's not that kind of annoucement lol.... anyways..... drumroll.... I have found my life's theme song! Yes the perfect Moondancer song! And like the coincedental occasion that led to me finding my life's mantra I came across this song quite by accident per say.  I was watching Hollywood Exes- which actually features alot of new unknown artists- and I heard this song and decided it sounded nice enough to find on youtube. I found it saved in my watch later list and did not listen until about 3 weeks later. While trying to pass time at work I opened my list remembering that there were some songs I hadnt listened to yet. This particular day in the back of my mind I was feeling kinda flaky and hopeless for being me... a dreamer, the girl who thinks of three impossible things before breakfast :)
Then I clicked play and heard the words of this pretty awesome singer reminding me to 'Leave your fear of love behind. Let your dreaming be your guide'.
I of course googled the very simple, very playful lyrics and the word moon is in it! Hello ...ding ding ...sign... but seriously if you cant be a dreamer then what can you be? The world is too hard and too cruel to take face on sometimes. I am very aware of reality I fight with it everyday cuz it's there and you have to deal with it at some point. Why cant you dream beyond borders and wish beyond limits. Why cant you hope that beyond the statistics and probabilities that your fate will be a little kinder than predicted. If you don't dream, you die.
My name is Floree a woman who tries to leave fear behind to dance on the moon,  a chick who is fascinated by the girl who fell down the rabbit hole, who stares at a Marilyn Monroe quote everyday, who was a Disney freak who thinks that when all else fails love will prevail because it is the truest form of life on earth. I am a dreamer !
Thank you Elizaveta for reminding me to continue to believe. ...ps look out for more Elizaveta inspired posts, I think I've found my kindred soul sister!



I believe in fairytales
And serendipitous encounters
Catch a tiger by the tails
Make a wish
Drink from the fountain

Oh-oh-oh oh-oh

I believe love will prevail
The path is clear for me to follow
Shooting stars will leave a trail
For me to fill with joy and sorrow

Oh-oh-oh oh-oh

Leave your fear of love behind
Let your dreaming be your guide
If you seek then you shall find.

The sun is setting in the west
It hovers like a big balloon
It follows me and beckons me
But I am staring at the moon
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/elizaveta-lyrics/dreamer-lyrics.html ]

Oh-oh-oh oh-oh

Leave your fear of love behind
Let your dreaming be your guide
If you seek then you shall fi-i-i-i
I-i-i-i-i
I-i-i-i-i-i-nd

Turn the tide in from the fallen
Waiting to rise up again
I can feel it in blood
I hold the future in my hand (x5)

Leave your fear of love behind
Let your dreaming be your guide
If you seek then you shall find.

I believe in fairytales
And serendipitous encounters

I believe in fairytales
And serendipitous encounters

The What Now Phase

I have come to an interesting point in my life. And if you are anything from your mid 20's up, you maybe able to relate or maybe you are one of those people with a 5 year plan that's on track. Stop reading now and go be productive!

I introduce to you the What Now phase. One day after talking to some friends I kinda became aware of this unique moment in life. We both kinda sat down thinking, so this is life, we made it graduated and can be considered adults, so what now?  I guess I had been toying with it for quite some time before, truth be told, just didn't have a name for it.
Think of it, for most of your life you follow a set path. After exiting the womb you follow a set path of development. Starting with your parents teaching you the neccessary life skills to become a well functioning person. You know walking, talking, using the bathroom, dressing yourself etc. Then you start down the school path, they choose what preschool is the safest and most convenient. After that they decide what  school has the best performance levels, reasonable school fees, economy size class rooms etc etc.Then they decide your life right after high school. If you choose university like I did your parents gentling guide you away from professions they dont like, and this is why I'm not a website designer or computer technician *shrugs*. You kinda choose your school but they are busy behind your back ensuring that your choice makes practical sense.And then you graduate some years later depending on how far you go. You find a job, and a job and a job then a good job one that makes sense to you....and then it hits.....so what do I do now??
Do I further my education because it's a sensible decision ....do I think about a house or something....do I start a family or get married or something....become an entrepenuer ...... *rubs magic 8 ball*

You begin realise that this is the first time in your life that things are solely up to you. You've made decisions before they just weren't big ones, ones that weren't life altering, big deals, no turning back kinda stuff. Before now someone was always carefully laying out the steps of your life, regardless of how many times you fall off the path you always knew the next step.

So back to why I am posting, I'm kinda feeling restless wondering what one does when you come to the end of the previously constructed steps. It's weird just running in the rat race, same basic thing day in and day out. Days, turn to weeks, weeks to years and then you wonder ok I've done this awhile what now?....No I'm really asking what now?

The natural vs relaxer thing....

First a little disclaimer: this blog is in no way a 'hater' post.
Aint it a shame that one has to add disclaimers because people get too sensitive sometimes?

 Anyways to the business at hand. I was enjoying my daily black women's lifestyle/entertainment reading when I came across an article about dispelling the myths of relaxers. So I read it and basically it spoke about how relaxers aren't as bad as they are made out to be, you just have to take care of it etc. I happened to scroll down to the comments. *side note anywhere 2 or 3 are gathered on the internet expect cussing.*
So this one lady says that she is glad for the article because she has had a relaxer for a long time and going back natural isnt something she can handle because of the thickness of her hair. In comes trouble, a natural nazi as one person called her proceeded to curse at the first commenter for not embracing her 'real' self. This is not the first time I have heard this argument. Now currently trending is being a naturalista just like a few years ago when everyone wanted to be a sistren by growing some locks. As with the locks phase, time will tell who the real naturalistas are. And of course the media and hair industry has picked up on this trend and is charged and ready to peddle as many products and services as possible. What you didn't notice?

I took offense to miss lady's comment. Why do I not love myself because of the way I keep my hair? When India Arie sang 'I am not my hair' she wasnt just talking to the 'sistas'. In essence, she was saying  dont make your judgements based on appearance. Now unless you are a natural haired empress in a nudist colony my dear lady you are also probably committing some offense. Hair is only a drop in the bucket. For me I love to see my friends with their cool natural styles and what's not. But I also hear them talk about their regiments and this chick right here cant plait and has unruly hair that doesnt even yield to my command when under the influence of some chemicals! So I choose the easier option for me. Don't scoff and tell me to learn to handle my hair. When a Caucasian woman straightens out her thick curly sue tresses it's not an issue. Now note well that I completely understand the socio-cultural issues that exist in regards to natural hair, this isnt about that. *Read the last statement again before you say but...*
This is about not finding one more thing to divide and alienate women from each other. All of a sudden I'm seeing relaxer vs natural articles that people wage World War 3 about. Why cant we accept that everyone has a right to do what they want with their hair? Nobody embraces their natural, plain selves. Don't raise your hand and say no no but I do.

If you wear make up hiding your natural face, put down your hand. If you give a bra company extra money for  pushup, padding, make my breast sexier bras put down your hand. If you use accessories or other addies like nails or polish to enhance your appearance and cant be without them put your hand down. If you bleach, dye or iron your hair, please sit. If you wax, pluck or thread your brows please go to the back of the class. You see where I'm going right? We all do things to ourselves that deviate from our 'natural' selves from makeup to hair. So if women wanna straighten, lengthen, shave, color or whatever it's ok because we all do it in different ways. And none of these things are permanent so what's all the fuss about? That's just my thought :) *had to vent here, I dont do the internet arguments!*

Boxed in

I'm claustrophobic, not horribly but I am aware of confined spaces more than the regular person.  A funny thing happened on the way to starting this post... I was trying to figure out a way of saying what I wanted to talk about, then it dawned on me that my claustrophobia wasnt just physical. I remember the months leading up to my graduation from university. I started to feel suffocated at the thought of having to work day in and day out. Getting up at a certain time to be at work at a certain time, taking a break for as long as they prescribe, having a vacation as long as granted. If you dont feel like working that day, tough luck you gotta go anyway. I felt like the rat race was an on ramp with no exit. * I still feel this way and wanna be a rich bum*

Ok so back to this original post ....... I kinda feel the same way about weight and eating. I can vividly remember the summer I fluctuated between 99 and 100 lbs. I thought 100 was this magic number that graduated you into some new body category.......55 lbs later I thought OMG I'm fat! Minus 10 lbs after I thought ok this size aint bad, I can work my way down a bit more slowly. Unexpected life change and 10 lbs after that I looked around and thought 'hey not bad imma stick around here.' Then it dawned on me, am I really going to have to be conscious of what I eat for the rest of my life? I hate checking out the fat content of every package! Or thinking 'oh geez imma have to work this off so I can stay in this range.' It's even harder living in the Caribbean, does anyone know how many calories there are in a cup of goat water?
 I remember watching an Oprah episode where she interviewed some ladies who looked good for their age. One of them said her secret was that she stopped worrying about her size. She said she had an epiphany one day, what if she had gotten hit by a bus, did she really want the last thing she thought about to be I shouldnt have eaten that donut!

I dont know when I will become like this lady, but I wanna do it and just have one less thing to be bothered with!
There are already too many things to be consumed with.....ya I know I live in my head alot :)

Acceptance

Ok I need to start blogging more like seriously what's the point of having one right? But I've been busy really I have I'm trying get some other writing 'projects' done. I started out hot and started to fizzle, but I'm the little engine that can so imma get it done.
Other than that I've been on some weird emotional roller coaster with a lot of weird unexplainable feelings. I have been having a really hard time figuring out what's wrong when everything in my life is pretty right. It was really rainy and grey today and I guess there's something somber about listening to raindrops fall on leaves. That quiet plip plopping allowed me to think about stuff. Two weeks ago I wrote a poem called Acceptance (I deleted it but a saving soul recorded it when I performed it and Ive been to lazy to transcribe it so see the video below)

.

Basically it's about coming to a point where you accept that past for what it is and what it gave you. This includes accepting how your own choices impacted your destruction. That is no an easy point to come to. But most importantly outside of accepting the past for what it is you must accept that the present is not the past. I think of it as using a courier company to get your packages. But this company is a bit careless and the contents of your package always arrive broken. You now expect for them to deliver damage goods. You stock up on crazy glue and accept it as life until you have had enough and get rid of that company. When you find a new suitable company something in you always tenses as you open your package expecting to see bits and pieces of your precious cargo. But  everything is in tact because this company promises to deliver, and that's great, but you still expect -with crazy glue in hand- that things will be broken. At some point you must accept that this company indeed delivers on its promises and you can relax. So my lesson learnt over the past few months is Acceptance the final stage of letting go and feeling the wind beneath your wings.

Wanderlust

Wanderlust: A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel.


I am a broke pocket wanderluster (is this a word?) ....
Anyways here are the places on my lust list. Free tickets are always accepted :D

From since i can remember Venice has been on my lust list. 
There's just something really cool about a city of water. 

I feel in lust with the Greek Isles after watching The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2. 
These islands are just gorgeous, love the architecture, the culture, food and the vistas!

I'm an island girl so you must be asking why i wanna visit another island. 
A friend of mine went to Zanzibar and I wanted to immediately buy a ticket and see if for myself. 

Just the name alone sounds exotic....Morocco! I really like the Africa meets the Middle East vibe of this place... I wanna see it!
I wanna go to the French countryside to relax. I don't have a specific place I just want it to look like this! 

The worst kind of lust is touching somewhere once for a short time which leaves you longing for more. I went to Dominica for a day and became absolutely enchanted. I wanna go back and see more A stat!

This place just seems to have a bit of everything; beauty, culture, city life and history. South Africa maybe I will see you one day! 


In the meantime I am declaring that imma get to all my lusts in my lifetime *please God* :D