365 days later...

I am finally ready to write my end of year post. I think I kinda missed blogging in the month of November…..I'm sorry followers I have good reasons. I am opening and closing doors and life chapters and to be truthful it is has been very overwhelming at times. But that's a good thing and I'm happy. This has been a good year, I dare not complain for a thing. I have gotten to tick many places off my travel list. I got to catch up with some friends I haven't seen in years and I've made some new friends. I even took an ecourse for 6 weeks. I've done some strange things …stepped out my square box and defied definition! I definitely took 2013 by the lapels and said giddy up!

I sat compiling all the little notes of things I learned this year and realised that it would make quite a lengthy post! It's holiday season and nobody's got time for that! So here are the 2 things that stood out most to me.

This concept has popped up so many times .... ok universe I got your point. I first came across it reading an article in an inflight magazine about mediating to focus on the moment when you are overwhelmed. It was about breathing and becoming conscious of the moment. I have learned to shut the door on the past and not look back, but geez it is  hard not to run infront of myself...and worry...then get anxious...then worry some more. This isnt a fun way to function.One of my fav songs for 2013, Wake Me Up by Avcii, pretty much sums me up 'I tried carrying the weight of the world.But I only have two hands.' So I'm learning to live today and love today. This moment, this second, this breath,  and as the Bible says let tomorrow worry about itself.

This year I discovered Brene Brown, a shame and vunerability researcher. I took her ecourse and read 2 of her books! Now I am not a self help reader so I enjoyed Brene's scientific approach to these emotions. Until I heard her talk about this I thought I was alone with my feelings. Does something good ever happen to you and amidst your happiness does the terror of what bad can happen begin to invade your mind? Yeah that was me and I thought I was just being me until I heard her talk about the commonality of foreboding joy. Joy apparently is the hardest emotion to fully embrace because it's scary. From her findings, the happiest people who embraced joy the most were those who practiced gratitude. So instead of fearing terror and destruction in the midst of happiness I will remember to give thanks for that moment....and this rounds back to living in the moment! Guess I know what my 2014 theme will be!

I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I have quite a few big plans for 2014…but I can only live in today, appreciate today, this moment…the now.
So in 2014 remember

and

Can you imagine how much more Cinderella would have enjoyed the ball if she had stopped watching the time!

Happy 2014 to everyone. I pray for your enlightenment, love, protection and health! 

I'd Rather Be Alone

*This post was written from a burst of unexpected inspiration during a day of listening to random songs on Youtube.*

I've heard this song so many times. The vibe gives me such bliss simply because it's from the era of some expectionally great music.



I listen to music while working, writing, in the car....well if I'm not watching TV I'm listening to music. It's entwined in my life. Since it is always on I dont neccesarily always listen to the lyrics depending on my activity. Today I stopped for a second and listened. Then I thought Hell Yes! This is what I am saying! I decided to say a silent pledge to myself as Karyn White sang. Please hit play and say it with me if you feel it!

I would rather be alone than unhappy in love

I will not be an option to love 

I will not fight alone for love

I will be selfish when it comes to being happy 

I will not be lonely in love  

Sometimes you just have to remind yourself that you are priceless!

Picture Memories

I have been reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown which is absolutely phenomenal! I cant even begin to start listing all my ah ha moments. Needless to say I'm putting alot of things into practice. The other day made me realise that I really am learning new stuff, like making picture memories. Brene spoke about a day with her 6 year old daughter, paddle boating out on a lake. She said her daughter went quiet and when she looked back her little one had her face turned sunwards with her eyes closed. After a few moments she asked her daughter if she was ok. The little one replied "I am making a picture memory, so when I am sad I can remember this moment and be happy."

Yep a 6 year old said this! A 6 year old understands the importance of tranquil happy moments. A child who hasn't learned long division yet, knows how to build an army against unhappiness. Two days ago I was a little upset and I conjured up a picture memory, without realising what I was doing. It was the  memory of being on a cruise and hearing 'Hey, come look, dolphins!" And there right outside my cabin window was a pod of dolphins happily romping in the surf, by the way dolphins are my all time favourite animals! I was on cloud 12!  For the next 3 minutes I watched them with a permanent smile on my face until the ship out ran them. Dolphins playing in the waves, framed by the setting sun, free and content, just wow! I couldnt risk missing a moment by reaching for my camera, so it's all in my head and it's one of the those things I refuse to forget.


Think of your favourite picture memories and hold onto it. In this crazy world we live in you need everyone you can get. From laughing until tears roll out to holding a cuddly baby, take a mental picture and store it for that time when you need a little pick me up! Being in a bad mood is so over rated!

The marriage thing....

I consider myself an average female when it comes to thoughts on love and marriage. Many have called me a romantic, miss fairytale, Disney princess(wait nobody calls me that) lol...I was probably the guillable young girl that swooned as Sleeping Beauty danced around the forest singing 'One Day my Prince Will Come'. At some point of my life I was completed sold on the magical marriage part of  life...aka the fairytale wedding and the words 'happily ever after' as end credits. The dress, the bridesmaids, flowers, cake, smiles and planning. Time and maturity quickly gave me a swift kick in the face and opened my eyes to the reality that marriage is a life commitment and not just a fun day with friends and family. Unfortunately there are some women who cant get passed the idea of having a wedding and a ring. Once they get that day and that bling they turn on auto pilot and cruise through life.

After this eye opening kick I began to slowly become slightly terrified of getting married. It's a big deal! It's more than living with a man, doing household chores and raising kids. It's an active commitment to making it work, to deal with the attitude, with the differences, with the times you want the person out your space. What scares me more is what I see when I look around. I am beginning to see the 50% divorce rate play out in my newsfeed. It freaks me out to see the wedding photos of couples crying on the alter and then 2 years later notice strange statuses, absent wedding bands and removal of recently acquired last names. I'm not watching the older people married for 40 years, I'm looking at my peers, I am hoping that they can show me the good example. The example that puts your mind at ease, that although hard it can be done.
It gives me mini anxiety attacks, because I often wonder if these people had started off on a known crash course. You know the ones that people whisper about...'why are they getting married?' Or are they the earnest notion of love, seemingly happy, in love and committed. What goes wrong in 1-5 years? Didn't they like anyone else start out with the will to make it work? I guess pictures dont really tell a thousand words, because in pictures everyone looks perfect. There are young people that I know and see that give me that hope and knowledge that it indeed can be done and through the challenges it can be worth it. *Thank God for good examples*

There's a couple I see every so often when I walk to my car in the afternoon. The husband is usually sitting on the steps of a building waiting on his wife to come down the road. Once she get to him they smile and share a kiss and begin walking down the road, engrossed in conversation. That isnt a show (they dont know I'm watching), that isnt a picture in an album on a day you are supposed to smile alot. It is just two people glad to be spending thier lives together. They make me smile every time, my little reminder that love is all around if you just look. And that the scary marriage statistics, just mean that you have to work even harder than you originally thought.
To my married friends fight in the trenches, get mud in your hair if you must just please hold it together.

As for me and my anxiety, I will repeat the words of my adopted grandmother -she doesn't know this yet.
 'Trust in love one more time and always one more time.' ~Maya Angelou~

Live your life like your playing mas!

Carnival is over ... back to regularly scheduled programming *insert pouty face* All the fetes, limes and sessions are over *insert sigh* And of course my favourite part, mas, is non existent for another 360 something days. Mas gets alot of side eyes nowadays and I just wanna say something about it. I love it! I love the fact that I can dress up in something different, it's kinda of like the feeling some people have when getting to dress up for halloween. I love my feathers and beads and stockings. I love jumping and jamming until evening. I love being surrounded by my friends. Some say it has nothing to do with emancipation. I disagree in a way. Although history states that there was no epic street party after the emancipation declaration, the point is we have the freedom now to do so. There are lots of persons who overdo, who have lost their self respect and who have not made the parade very family friendly. I too roll my eyes with disgust at some of these persons. But I refuse to let the bad eggs spoil this time of year for me. If I did, then they, and their behaviour would win and how cool is that?
So if you want to know why I have found myself in costume for 12 years in a row every August that is my answer. I just love it and know who I am, why I am doing it and how I want to be seen. Cheers to my mas lovers, to those who love to chip down the road and forget their worries for a few hours for two days. The world is depressing enough sometimes why not have a little fun until the music truck locks off and tells you to go home! Ahh boy back to life ....

1/2 year update

I'm stuck! All my writing projects on dangling in a hinterland of black space. Nobody is talking loud enough to me right now to warrant me listening and writing. I must admit that the pressure to produce is absolutely overwhelming! The constant, reoccurring question from family, friends and strangers is always 'When is your next book?' or 'What are you working on now?' I usually have a politically correct answer like 'there is also something on the burner' or 'I'm working on a few things.' I learnt at a workshop years ago to never tell people what you are working on. Truth is there is nothing eminent, nothing close to completion and I have no deadline or goal as to when that will be. Some changes need to be made to my first book but other than that things are slow. J.K Rowling was sitting on a train when an adventurous little boy popped into her imagination. I have no doubt that my Harry Potter will appear when I least expect it.

Just by admitting that I was stuck. It was suggested to me to write a few words about my vision board and a spark for a blog post was lit. The year has just entered its second half so it is safe to access my progress.

I decided to stick to my mantra in life, actually live it and not just talk about it and quote it everywhere.  To be the Moondancer you actually have to live fearlessly. This is quite difficult for a person who is naturally careful, calculated, worrisome and self conscious. But I have been doing well and learning to live for my happiness and not that of others who tell me what they want for me and expect me to comply. I know they are well intentioned, but at the end of the day. It is my life and I have to live it.

According to my board I hoped to
Do me, be me - Slowly but surely I am coming out of the box drawn around me and becoming Floree....for example I bought and wore quite a scandalous number because I loved it and wanted to come out my comfort zone. Are there people in my life who felt it was inappropriate? Sure, but that's not how I felt and I enjoyed the experience and I am coming to love my body more and more.

Love Better- It wasn't that I was loving badly. I am great at loving but it is hard for me to be loved because of certain issues I have had. But I am getting better. Having someone that is understanding and patient makes the process so much smoother.

Get Fit- Since January I have been working with a trainer, except for one month I have been constant and I like my process. At first I thought I would only go until May. But I think I am going to stick with the trainer for the year.

That's it, I am doing me, being me, making my choices and not apologizing for it.

Ps I must once again thank my friend Amina for the vision board session. I would also like to thank Brenda Lee for her words of inspiration :) I love being surrounded by such amazing women.

Love, Marilyn

I am about to talk about Marilyn Monroe again....you may have heard me speak about her before, this is new stuff so walk with me :) Dont ya love my preambles?

HBO premiered a documentary called Love, Marilyn which featured journal notes from a recently found box of Marilyn's belongings. I became fascinated with Marilyn after I read a few of her quotes. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that she wasnt a dumb blonde. After watching Love, Marilyn I can say that she has truly earned my respect. This woman was an actress. From a young age she wanted to act, not be famous or look cute or take pictures, she wanted to act. And so much of her life was dedicated to getting into the business, learning the craft and getting roles. She knew what she had to do to get through the door and she did it unapologetically. The tragic thing about this story is that she couldnt be who she wanted to be. You know what depressed Marilyn Monroe? Not being able to get roles that were deep that were passed being a ditzy blonde in a tight skirt. She wanted to be taken seriously she wanted to use her acting skills. But to the world around her she was a trophy, her beauty was her gift and her curse. Men wanted to look at her not give her roles with complex characters. You know I think that Marilyn would have been happier in the 21st century. Think about it, back in her days there weren't many movies or opportunities. She was on a contract with a production company and had to act in what she was given...although she gave them the finger a few times and got fired (I love a chick with guts) Nowadays she would have had a choice. If mainstream wasnt taking her seriously then she coulda done indie films and had her undiscovered gem moment. Marilyn Monroe tried to pursue her dreams, she ate, slept and died with her dreams. I salute you Norma Jean Baker....Live your dreams!

The Silver Linings of a Troubled Mind

I finally got around to watching Silver Linings Playbook...yes finally! I absolutely loved every anxiety driven moment of it. Btw I still think that Quvenzhane deserved the Oscar for Beasts of the Southern Wild...I'm just saying! Upon reflection I realised that although humourous the movie touched on a topic that we often laugh about. When someone suffers a heartbreak we say 'they took it on', we tell them to stop whimpering and whining and man up. We laughed about the man that ran around town naked after his partner allegedly left him. Men arent allowed to cry and women only have a few tolerable days to sulk before their friends and family give them a stern talking to.

Silver Linings Playbook illustrated the fact that some people cant man up and face life as directed. Some people with no fault of their own, mentally fall apart. Anybody can break. We keep selling this myth that weak people fall apart, that the weak go 'crazy' and that the weak go to therapy three times a week. When the conditions align against you even the 'strongest' of persons can snap under pressure. I've had friends that have scared the crap outta me with things they have said or done indicating that they were close to breaking. Scared me to the point that I wanted to go to counseling to get advice on helping them. The worse thing to do would have been to attempt operation tough love. Sometimes all you can do is offer some alternatives. Sometimes all you have to say is 'I want to help you, tell me what you need.'

Today's lesson- Be gentle, be understanding even if you don't get it, and most importantly help where and when you can.

For the love of Janet Jackson & the small of her back!

Recently a friend of mine, whose presence I cherish greatly, composed a blog posting to 'The Girls Whose Thighs Touch'. She delved into the issues and triumphs of being a girl whose thighs touch. I would like to dedicate this post to the girls who love small of their back....stay with me I promise this will make sense shortly.
Janet Jackson did an in-depth interview a few years back. I like these kind of heart to heart interviews, I always get to see the human side of the star. She spoke about her struggle with self esteem. Janet revealed that the one thing she loved most about her body was the small of her back. I have never in my life heard someone say 'The small of her back is so hot.' or 'I wish I had a lower back like her.'
I was dumbfounded to hear that she didnt really like much else. The woman that has been on the cover of multiple magazines, the one walking the red carpet in some sexy mid- drift bearing outfits, the mega star that performs for hundreds on a nightly basis doesnt find herself attractive? I found it ironic. In 2001, I actually tore off the cover of a magazine and took it to the makeup store. I wanted her look for prom....it didnt work out the same but I adored the picture and wanted to look as sweet as her.

After I got over the shock of her admission, I saw a real person, a person I wanted to have lunch with. She went on to say that she struggled with weight gain as a child and that her brood of siblings would poke fun at her. She relayed that poking fun at each other wasnt uncommon to them, nor is it uncommon to kids. But not all children are built the same. Not all of them have found their identity, so they have nothing to base their strength on. So what  doesn't bother one child, can scar another. And for once in my life I didnt feel alone. I didnt feel weak. I didnt feel misunderstood because this woman who I have never met explained why I couldnt manage the jeers of others. I didnt feel crazy to think that once in my life I would have probably said that my fingers were my best asset. I thought I could say my fingers and no one would compare me or disagree. To hear this woman photographed by thousands, say that she kinda likes her butt now and that she is only now beginning to appreciate herself in her 40s was a huge relief.
It doesn't matter if you are the subject of a photo shoot or standing in your mirror. A part of the reflection you see is what the outside world has engrained in you. For some of us the world hasn't been too kind. For some of us a general appreciation of self is only now developing. Miss Janet Jackson if you ever see this, I just wanted to let you know that I heard you, I understand and thanks for saying it.

Stupid In Love - Admit One

I was on vacation....that's my story and I'm sticking with it....well preparing for vacation then going, hence the lapse...but enough of the excuses....let's get straight to the topic....
Why do seemingly sensible women make the dumbest decisions when it comes to men?

Now before you call me the biggest hypocrite known to man, let me explain myself. I was young and stupid...aight I realise that excuse has holes. I have a theory, that everyone deserves one Stupid In Love Pass. Yep a Stupid in Love Pass (this is the original idea of Floree A. Williams). I think as humans we all deserve a chance to mess up because we fell down the rabbit hole of love, and didnt know what to do with ourselves. It's a pass to have the relationship that embarrasses you years later. But you only get one pass, because you should have learned something after the pass expires. You should have  learned the danger of following the white rabbit down a hole where you have no footing. I would hope that the next time you see a white rabbit and you wanna follow him that you can get a rope, tie it to a tree and repel down. But beware there is fine print on the pass. Not everyone's stupid in love story ends with a rainbow after a stormy past. The world out there is dangerous and the cost of the wrong tango can be life changing.

You must be wondering where I'm going with this...I've become aware lately through observation that some women I know whether personally or from afar are in some situations with men that make me scratch my head. Women that I look at as strong, independent, sensible and all together. Mmmm imagine that you found out that Condoleezza Rice was dating that dude you see hanging on the corner 24/7 with his pants waist under his bottom.

You would shake her right? And say 'what is wrong with you woman!' You are highly intelligent and classy! What's with this dud?

Now here comes the Neutral Police....you know the people that always try to say, 'well maybe he's a nice guy, dont judge a book by the cover, she's happy'..blah.. blah.. I once heard someone say that we have become a generation of people who are so busy trying not to step on people's toes that we dont say things as they are.
He's the dude whose biggest priority is getting expensive bottle service at the club to floss and cant pay child support. He's the dude that is very married and has the usual 'imma leave my wife' excuse. He's the dude who is extremely possessive and controlling. Don't tell me I'm judging that guy and define happy for me!  He is what he is and doesn't do much to hide it. For some sad reason that woman thought it best to lower her standards to be with him. That woman is your good friend/sister/ aunt and she deserves better than him. Sometimes we say this outloud if we are brash, or softly if we feel wary. And sometimes, alot of times, she lashes back and takes it the wrong way.

Maybe she doesnt think better exists, maybe she is tired of looking and is ready to settle with the next guy that says a sweet word. Maybe she doesnt think much of herself. Whatever it is I just wanted to say  we all deserve better!

The Misunderstandings of the 20's

As I begin the last laps of my 20's -insert terrified face coupled with the Doritos goat scream- I have started the slow process of reflecting on this decade of growth and change. I've gotta laugh at the thought of how ill prepared I was for being an adult.There is no manual called How to be Twenty Something. And seeing that these are the years where you are likely to screw up life the most there really should be more preparatory information!  Let me tell you why:

1) Every 20 something year old who has graduated a teritary institution takes off the cap and gown and feels empowered and ready to conquer the world with degree in hand. No one tells you that 4 years of school is just an expensive formality. You get to your first job and find out that being able to write an essay on a theory, created by some old, white, dead guy aint gonna help you one bit! Working is where the learning starts apparently... *rolls eyes*

2) You do not know it all! Enough said!

3) All those benchmarks that you made in your younger days were just hot air. I remember being high school and stating that I would be married by 25 and kids by 27-28 after I had travelled the world with my husband and enjoyed our marriage, oh ps we would have a 2 story house as well. At age 16, turning 25 sounded like this magical age where you had life together. You get to 25 and realise that you were so not ready for the world and that little girl had no idea what she was saying!

4) You are young, wild and free live it up, your time is now. While I agree that one should enjoy your 20's to the max, the people that told you to live it up forgot to tell you the fine print.  Anything you do now to screw up your life is totally your fault and is way harder to reverse than when you were 18. Think of all the firsts you go through in your 20's - 1st real job, 1st bank loan, 1st promotion, 1st adult relationship. You have passed the young and foolish stage, you are no longer none the wiser and according to science your brain has fully developed! Aka Mommy and Daddy are no longer legally obliged to clean up your spilt milk. Screw up the job- delay your career or ruin it, screw up your finances- be broke, set back and unhappy, screw up your relationship- oh good grief!


Advice I've gotten so far that makes sense :
Save save save!
Dont use these years to spend like there's no tomorrow. Starting your 30's broke can delay your dreams for another decade. Try and save all you can now and try to clear up any debt.

Do everything you can while you live at home
Enjoy the cushy time spent living with your parents. Once you are out in the world you are responsible for yourself or others 24/7. At home with the 'rents you may still be able to get a few cooked meals a week.

As I continue jogging on the track outta 20's ville .... yes Mr Race Official I heard the lap bell- I cringe at thinking of how I really gotta get my self together for the next decade!

Heaven help the confused

I often find the comments under articles and other types of posts quite amusing. Do you know that people even have heated debates under gospel videos and other religiously based material? Think of how the internet age has allowed anyone to anonymously air their views on any topic. I say all this to get to today's topic. Unless you have been living under a rock you would have heard that Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together after being estranged for about 4 years. You know this post isnt about celebrity gossip so dont stop reading. I have observed the commentary under articles relating to the pair and alot of the thoughts expressed scare me. A few brave honest souls expressed their concern/distaste for the renewed relationship only to be met by the wrath of who I would assume to be fans. The fans say 'leave her alone!', 'at least she's happy', 'mind your business', 'they were meant to be'. This wasnt just the sentiment expressed under one photo or article but many.

The comments scared me because it seems like her broad smile meant more to them that her apparent danger. Now don't tell me that things are different now and I have no right to judge their relationship. Chris Brown got into a fight the other day over a parking space! And a couple of weeks after that he appeared in court over an altercation in a club. Does this sound like a changed man to you? Did you forget the day he flung a chair out of the Good Morning America dressing room wrecking their glass window? Let me guess he still has a temper but doesnt hit women anymore.

Are we willing to ignore what goes on behind closed doors because someone looks or says they are happy? I do not hold Rihanna responsible for being a mentor to other abused women because she is human. And I honestly see a girl who was unable to process the loss of her first love. A girl who thinks that she deserves what he has to offer. I am more concerned that the people defending her would lend this same advice to a friend. 'Girl if he says he's sorry and wont do it again, go back if you love him. You deserve to be happy.And yall are so cute together.'

How many people reading these articles use this as validation to stay in the mess that they are in. Why isnt it ok to say I dont care how much I love her music, I dont care how much she says she loves him, she deserves better! We stare at this good looking couple who has everything in the world and think oh it will be ok for them, he loves her more this time, he left that other chick for her. This is the case in the life of many everyday people. We know what happens we hear it and see it. But there is this notion that they look good together so it will be ok. Or maybe he will stop someday. I really feel for the confused persons who are following her actions, reading the positive comments and thinking maybe it's ok to go back. It's ok cuz it happens to Rihanna and she's ok.
I think Whitney Houston's character in the movie Sparkle sums it all up perfectly. 'Wasnt my life enough of a cautionary tale?'

The Next Big Thing

Tag I'm it!  So I've been tagged by author Joanne Hillhouse to participate in a blog relay called 'The Next Big Thing'. You can check out her post on her blog here. You can also check out another author/ blogger, Tameka- Jarvis George that I religiously follow on her blog. Basically Im going to answer some questions based on my last book as seen below available on Amazon, Kindle and Best of Books Antigua. *shameless plug over and out* See interview below

If all men are dogs, does that make all women bitches?

I just got in a little debate with someone and felt inspired to write a post. And can you imagine that this isn't the post I began writing for this week. Im doing well. I'm proud....ok back to the topic at hand. A friend of mine expressed her dislike at a paragraph of advice given by a popular life coach on how to treat your male partner/spouse. She thought that there was an unfair balance of advice dissemination and that men were the ones who needed the advice. She thought that women were the ones holding their relationship together and making the sacrifices.
While I do agree that there is an unbalance, I mean just pick up any women's magazine! You are guaranteed to find at least one article explaining how to please your man. Pick up any men's magazine and find it a rare treat to see something about making your woman happy.

As a young girl growing up all you heard was 'all men are dogs.' After going through years of observation I have come to the conclusion that there is no unbalance when it comes to relationships. All women are not angels and all men are not dogs. In fact sometimes we give men a bad rap. How is a young man supposed to grow up decent if he is burdened with a label he hasn't earned?
*disclaimer this post is purely relationship based and doesnt cover gender based issues such as domestic abuse and rape*

•  For every man that cheats there's a woman who is willingly cheated with him knowing of his relationship status. 

• For every dead beat dad, there's a no good mother who would neglect her kids for a new hair style and some manicured nails. 

• For every man that said 'you know I'm not ready to settle down.' There's a woman that said 'I dont care, I just want to be with you.'

• For every man that cheats on his good woman. There's a woman that cheats on her 'too nice' man. *PS I never understand when women say this. Oh he was just too nice....and being nice is bad why? Then she finds a 'bad boy' who treats her horribly then all of a sudden you hear how wretched the gender is.....women make no sense sometimes I admit!* 

• For every man that has outside children there's a woman who knows her kid aint his! (ok this one might be unbalanced but you get the point, it happens.) 

I am not advocating for the ill treatment of nice people. I am just saying that people are just people,  black, white, indian, chinese, we all have different characters, convictions and tragic flaws. Hence maybe one can say 'people are horrible!'

Let's remember this especially when we are talking around children they deserve a fair chance to grow up without labels.

Straight Talk, no chasers

Quite often I come to a point during my quiet moments that makes me very angry and disappointed with myself, so with straight talk and no chasers imma just tell you what I think about myself sometimes.
To best illustrate my point without telling my life story I will draw reference to a couple I saw on tv. I watched about 2 episodes so forgive if my back story isnt 100% accurate, my reference comes from brief observation. So yeah I was watching Chrissy and Mr. Jones. I dont know much about them other than the fact that he's a rapper and she seems like his nice other half who sticks by him come what may. From what I saw he was lazy, not interested in fully committing to the relationship and just a plain out jerk. I dont know their history but I am sure that as a rapper we can also question his fidelity...cmon he's a rapper! But through it all Chrissy just seems to put up with it.

It disappoints me that I used to be a Chrissy. The woman that refuses to deal with all the red flags that are beating her over the head. She just makes it work. It upsets me that I had grown into this person. I admire the people who have always had their isssh together. They take shit from no one and they keep it moving. I cant make excuses for myself, I was a Chrissy and I hate-  it is a strong word but I'm serious - myself for it. It makes me wanna reverse the hands of time and shake my old self! Shake her until she has no choice but to walk away. I would probably scream 'Save yourself girl! You are drowning, save yourself!'

I cant blame age because Chrissy is a grown ass woman, young and foolish can not always be my cop out. Some women are just Chrissys, can we help it? I hope so, cuz I cant ever be a Chrissy again. I just refuse to be. Against all that I find safe and cozy I wont be her again.  I cant be the person who just refuses to hop off the train bound for destruction. I have to want better for myself.

Maybe it's a strong delusional belief. A belief that consumes you until you only believe that.  Maybe it was the thought that by giving an overwhelming amount of love a person will one day have an epiphany and change their ways. But instead it is the Chrissy who needs an epiphany. A Chrisette Michelle Epiphany 'Im leaving, no more wondering, what you've been doing. Where you been sleeping. It's over. I'm leaving.'

You get past the point of listening to hints and reasoning. You get to a point where your tunnel vision takes over and you find an excuse for Mr. Jones. You are convinced that with a little more time with another step you can reform Mr. Jones.  With every small victory or sweet word you get a little more convinced that Mr. Jones is making slight progress.

Truth is he never is or was. Well maybe that small 2% of Mr. Jones's are. But waiting to find out if Mr. Jones will change is a dangerous game.  Mr. Jones just gets more comfortable and better at what he does. He perfects the lies, he knows that for every apology he can make a thousand more. It makes you look back and wanna kick yourself really hard because you accepted the love you thought you deserved and for some sad reason you either didnt think that you deserved alot or you didnt think that you could find better.
So what to do? I think Alicia Keys sang it best in the the song Lesson Learned

It's called the past 'cause I’m getting pastAnd I ain’t nothing like I was beforeYou oughta see me nowYes, I was burned but I called it a lesson learnedMistake overturned so I called it a lesson learnedMy soul has returned so I call it a lesson learnedAnother lesson learned
To all the Chrissys out there, I know the fear of the unknown and the shame of failure keeps you glued to your post. But take it from me there are greener pastures over the mountain you just gotta climb and be free.

This has been some straight talk from the Moondancer! 

Excuse me you jumped the line

Hello there *waves and smiles* This is my first attempt of many to become a frequent poster. Be proud of me lol. Ok so here's a bit of insight into the clockwork of my mind. You can say Amen if you feel me or shake your head in disgust. But I speak from an honest place. Aight enough preamble, let me introduce myself; I am the 4th child for my father, his baby girl and the first of two children for my mother. Spoiler alert I consider myself a princess! Take your judgements and side eyes elsewhere please I am getting to the point. Being on the junior side of one set of siblings and being on the elder side of the other, I have come to learn my place in the order of life. Everyone takes their turn in the order they were born. I am currently blabbering to my few followers because someone has stepped outta line and caused havoc. Kind of like that person on the assembly line that adds their sprocket before their predecessor adds their bolt. *stop the presses*

The following things go out of sync when a younger sibling gets married first: 

1) You cant elope if they did!

 You be dam sure that all the pressure will be on you to ensure that your mother gets to wear her champagne pink mother of the bride dress. Now you might be like but it's your wedding blah blah blah, the person that does something first is the guinea pig and allowed to test the waters. The one after usually gets stopped dead in their tracks.... My mother flat out told me one day that the child's wedding is the parent's wedding. If she doesnt get it the first time, the second time ahhhh ....prepare for future fight *check*

2) People start treating you like you are emotionally fragile

All of a sudden everyone, especially those old aunties, begin inquiring about your love life with extra concern. "How's your friend?"they ask and hold their breath hoping I say he's fine and not, 'oh we dont talk anymore'. Why is this old lady rubbing my back when she asks me about my life, as though I'm depressed?

 Im living rent free with momma, those ppl at the altar gotta go find some rent money every month, I'm cool chica, go join oldpeoplemeet.com or something.

3) The people who were overlooked on the first wedding's guest list will surely be snuck onto yours...

4) Any deviant behaviour is measured against their success.

If one kids pulls all A's and the others dont, they hear about it. If everyone is pulling C's it doesnt look so bad. First borns set the trend and are not measured. We just aren't!



5) It's not new aka not a big deal.
Dammit all first children understand how special it is to be first! Everything is new with you. Us first children have obscene amounts of baby pictures because everything we do is novel and cute. The other kids....meh...first time eating with a spoon is sooo over-rated the 2nd and 3rd time. First big graduation, everybody is invited to celebrate that a child has passed the point of being a juvenile deliquent. The next child, ok well it's great that you made it, here's some cake. Please stop reading this if you are not a first child. You just wont get it lol.

This is in no way a post out of jealousy, if that's what you are thinking, you 2nd and 3rders are so clueless. I am content with my current lot in life. It's a simple existence that makes me smile daily. I'm still in my prime and not ready to leave the nest. *That's what I tell myself to sleep at night, rocks back n forth in corner* ... I'm just messing with you. But seriously  I wish all my siblings the best in everything they do and total success in every step they take. But I'm just saying, we have rules and order for a reason.... *thinks of ways to grab attention in the meanwhile....enrolls in NASA Space Program.*

Happy New Year

Happy New Year! Thanks to everyone who reads often and to those who encourage me by gently reminding me that I have been absent from the blogsphere for too long. I really appreciate the encouragement that keeps me going when I feel like no one is reading :) I wont make another resolution to post more, I will however promise to try. In terms of the blog I will be perfecting my blogging voice so get ready for a bit of a change. It's a good change I promise! I already have 3 posts lined up for this month... yay me!

So I stopped making resolutions a while ago. For a change I made an inspiration board. This doesnt outline my goals but gives me general reminders of the things I want to get done. It was a really great experience. It focuses your mind on the year to come, I will definitely be making this an annual activity.

This year I am planning to focus more on myself. You must be thinking that I've decided to be selfish, but I promise you that I'm far from that. My theme for the year is Dancing on the Moon (surprisingly this has never been my theme for a year). My theme encourages me to have no fears and no worries. I wasted alot of time last year consumed in my thoughts and worries. I am working on my adult, independent self, hence learning to be my own person without apologies.

I heard a great, budding motivational speaker give a graduation speech last year and he charged the grads to always try harder and do better. This is what I plan to do this year as well and I encourage all of you my lovely readers to take this advice to heart and of course just enjoy the life you are given with gratitude

As customary here are my quotations for the year: one spiritual and one inspirational
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you are not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?' Matt 26-27

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt