Random rambles

Im not sure how to begin this posting, cuz im not really sure what im saying. Sometime this year I think (its been a weird year i cant remember anything anymore) I for some reason thought i was selfish and of course that's not a very nice trait to have. Then it was pointed out to me through a series of decisions i had made that I often, no most times, think of others first. I was asked when i was gonna think of me an do what i want and not worry about the reactions of others. As momma Sade says 'im crying everyone's tears'. I wonder who cries for me?
I've always walked on the side of caution. I guess I felt safe, it was always the best place to be. Guess sometimes i wasnt living just doing what is safe, following the rules, staying out of trouble. Maybe for awhile i will try to put me first.. ok so i currently dont know what im rambling about. I think for once its a lack of control, not knowing what im doing where's its going, how it ends or where to begin. I dont do complication well nor do i do unplanned stuff..... but eh lets see what the wild side is like... what else is there to do stare at the walls! *sigh* life can be soo complicated

love and other stuff

I was going through my postings and thought my myself 'my gosh do I talk about anything other than love/hurt?' For a minute I considered changing the name of the blog to love and stuff!
But I suppose love is a universal emotion, the one thing everyone desires to have even if only for a fleeting moment.
And I suppose that is it my strength and my weakness. For I love hard, but have also been a fool for love.
Ya so this blog is full of love and other stuff cuz I guess to really dance on the moon one cant be afraid of love or to love. And love is the prettiest and scariest emotion, think about it when you are in love its beautiful but to get there you have to unlock the chains around your heart and everyone is afraid to unlock the gates of their heart.
So yes this is love and other stuff that crosses my mind!!!

Need you now

 
Everytime I hear this version of this song, tears come to my eyes, this artist to me pours more emotion into the song than original artists.
  I think everyone comes to that crisis moment when despite their better judgement and reasoning they need the 1 thing that they are not supposed to have. The one forbidden person who are you supposed to run in the opposite direction from. But in the darkness and despair of a lonely night you cant help but to ignore your good sense and call. And its too late because you have already picked up the phone and dialed and its ringing .......There's no turning back other than to say I need you now and hope that you can deal with the consequences it brings on another day
Its a quarter after 1 I'm all alone and I need you now. 
I said I wouldnt call but I lost all control and I need you now. 
And I dont know how I can do without I just need you now.  

Smile angel

You smiled at me and you didnt even know me. Never saw me before and I'm pretty sure I had that face on. The face that makes people say 'smile nuh'. But you turned around and you smiled at me, and your face brightened my moment. You turned around and you smiled again and again. And when the time came you gave me a great big hug, and I didnt even know your name, never saw you before. But you were warm and friendly and simply sweet. I wanted to know your name, because the innocence of your soul has affected me and I wished nothing but the best in the world for such a sweet angel. I prayed silently that no one would ever harm you, because such innocence is often misused.
Lord I wished I had met you before and prayed for you sooner, to know that someone had tried to harm you and take away your angel wings, hurt me. Someone tried to remove the smile from your beaming face and the sweetness from your soul. Why and how could someone ever look at you and not see a child who's only knowledge is to trust everyone around, to love and to learn. Why you had to learn this lesson I dont know. All I pray is that you never loose your smile. * Smile angel smile*

Dedicated to a little girl I met with a beautiful smile

Rolling in the deep

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

cant wait for this album!!

Wake up Alice

I looked at the clock, 11:37.  I looked again in what I could bank on was a minute later, 11:45. Where did that time go? Felt like i missed time, minutes of the day, just vanished, all while I was so consumed in my thoughts. It felt like some days this year when I only blinked between sleeping and waking...dont fade away again.....its time to wake up Alice!

Im quite enchanted by the story of Alice in Wonderland. Its more than a story to me. It's really about a girl who follows her innocent curiosity into an unknown place. A place of amusement, fun, craze and of course danger. After awhile all she really wants to do is leave, because it just becomes overwhelming, she just wants to find her way back out. But of course her journey back isnt simple and not without experiences that almost kill her..... I suppose many things in life can be called Wonderland, anything that we fall into because of our curiosity. You just need to find your way out, sometimes you just need to wake up! 

some Pac

The curse

She hoped she would never see him again. She knew she would die if she didn't. It was a curse to love like that.
F.W Kenyon

my own quotable :)

  'A fool only knows his folly if he becomes wise. If not he will live blissfully in a fool's paradise' © F.A.W

Press on

Press on, press on young soldier for this battle is far from over.
Press on, press on I know your feet are weary, your battles wounds call for comfort, press on.
You have seen the terror of thieves pillaging in the night, but press on. You fought to take your treasure back only to have it stolen again. Press on...
You have run from the valley of the shadow of death only to fall down a precipice of despair. Climb out, scratches and bruises join your other battle scars, but press on.
The dust storms of a barren desert have clouded your vision, press on young soldier press on.
Your tongue longs for some of heaven's tears, do not fall young solider though your bones crack and ache and your stomach heaves. Press on...
You do not know where to go, no compass to guide your way, no companions to relay your tale.You are alone now young soldier all others have deserted you. Cowards in soldier's clothing pretending to wear courage on their breastplate. Their only badges are deceit and selfishness.
But do not let the darkness of night frighten you, press on. Although dark shadows loom over your camp, and strong winds extinguish your fire, press on. Young soldier you must press on. Who will carry on if you die? Who will fight when you fall. No one young soldier but you. Bind your feet and keep walking, bandage your wounds and forward on. Drink in the hope that heaven's glory will whitened out your saddest thoughts. One day young soldier when you have found your journey's end, your medal of honour awaits from those who needed you to fight. Fight for those you cant see, and vanquish those who block your path.
Please young soldier press on you must not abandon me, you are my last hope.

Sorry

I watched For Colored Girls and felt inspired to write something cuz the movie made me think of sooo much. There was a scene more than 1 actually about being tired of hearing sorry......
It made me remember one painful night being told 'look at me, Im really sorry about that, seriously' Wish I had mustered up the strength to say no! No your sorrys have long expired. Not the kind of sorry's for stepping on my toe or forgetting to call me back but the unrepeatable sorry. The one that is only allowed 1 utterance. You've long past the limit of borrowing sorrys from a bank that you can never repay. Your credit line has been discontinued.
Why is it so easy to mock her? Why is sorry such an easy target, to mock, imitate, abuse, turn inside out and upside down? She is so downgraded that she longer means anything to you because you use her like a fresh pair of underwear. She's nice and fresh in the morning and soiled and thrown away by evening. She is like dust in the wind to me almost untraceable and invisible to the eye, barely seen and hardly felt. You may no longer use her, for your debt to her can never be repaid. All she ever asked was to be mentioned in reverence to be uttered at your purest most deepest sign of regret.
Now she just calls out to you, shouting, gnawing at your insides. You can feel her everytime your heart tugs, asking you, begging, pleading 'Please please never speak my name again. Give me my dignity back allow me to go free, I have no more of me to give. You have ruined my name, tarnished my reputation, leave me alone, you have no right to call on me.'
Please leave her alone your sorry means nothing to me.........

The making of Through the Window

This book has been through the fire and back, this tale actually starts in 2008... yes that long ago. I decided that I was going to write again, a novel this time. It was partly to prove to myself that I had talent beyond my first book. Yeah everyone loved the first one but I didnt like it. Basically it was the product of an upper year university course called 'Publishing a book' the stories were all class assignments throughout the years, ( yes I had courses in creative writing, pretty sweet). When republished by a 'real' publishing house I felt better but I wanted to really write something fresh.
So I opened my laptop and started. The story was originally going to be based on my love life ( if you know the whole story from 19 when you know its worth being printed). So I jacked up the ages of the characters and off I went. By page 3 I absolutely, positively hated it! So I took the file and dragged into my virtual trash can.
I pondered for a few months, then thought of something else. I wont go into details incase I revisit the idea but it was entitled 'Dear Serena'. I really cant remember how many pages I had but then boom.... the supposedly reliable Mac crashed... No I didnt have the file backed up its a Mac!!! dammit they dont crash right....
Fast forward the painstaking months it took to get my laptop returned from the states. I didnt feel 'Dear Serena' anymore. I was channel surfing and caught the tale end of a movie it was the convo between Queen Elizabeth and Sir Walter Raleigh. I wont say what they said it will give away the end of the book. But it gave me an idea and the life and times of my dear Anya were born. By mid 2009 I had finished and was ready to look for an agent and publisher. I did some research and to my dismay my book had fallen short of being considered a full length novel :(
That unfortunate news sent me into a depression, yep just really bummed out for months and months.
One day I opened the file and read it again, I have to say Im in love with the book and felt in my inner core that it had to be published some way some how. So I decided to go with my last publisher (didnt want to). The day after I sent the file, they sent the contract. Yay!! wait.. someone advised me to wait for my 1st check before signing. I waited, then I called .... I didnt sign.. lets leave it at that. Back to stage one, my new years resolution for 2010 was to get this book published by hook or by crook. I decided to look into self publishing/print on demand. I researched and found Create Space, they had lots of positive reviews and were owned by Amazon, what better rep can you ask for? I layed it out myself, sought an editor and a cover designer. I know by acquaintance lots of artists but I didnt know who to ask. Then one day on facebook a very good friend of mine from university posted some of her stuff and I said bingo!
The cover is more than I expected I'm in love, Felicia Mings, you are amazing :)
And that's the story of 'Through the Window' all the reviews so far have been far beyond my hopes. It is always nerve racking to expose your 'baby' to others. I feel so good right now. I'm happy and couldn't be prouder of 'Through the Window'
I hope you also enjoy!! Feel free to leave a review on facebook or here when you do read.
Its now available at Best of Books, Antigua and amazon.com. Check out my launch Nov 4th, 7pm,Best of Books, Royal Palm Place. Come and get your signed copy.

Night whispers

She whispers out into the dark 'I just don't understand this is not how fairytales end...'
© F.A.W

I cant remember

Its turned around, black velvet facing me. Curiosity brings my hands to touch it. And as though Superman touches kryptonite, power seeps out my veins. I stare at a picture of me and another. But I dont know you, just a stranger in a picture next to me. Just someone I think I used to know, someone whose name I no longer remember. Its like I have one of those diseases where I can't recall, cuz i look at you and have no idea what you mean to me.
Did someone die? Cuz i feel like someone left me and went to a place of no return, but I dont know who that was. I stare at this picture with the waves crashing in the background, a gorgeous 8x10 and nothing comes to mind, no feeling emerge. I just stare and wonder who is this person that I press my face against. How come they are so close to me and I dont seem to mind. How come I dont wanna cry cuz i miss them or smile cuz of fond memories. There's nothing I feel as empty as the eyes staring back at me. Something is missing from this picture, the 1000 words, there are no words flowing from this frame. This photo has no soul, no spirit something has gone from it. But what? something was there, something familiar, possibly happy, possibly surreal. Now its just colored ink on paper behind a glass surrounded by wood. A reproduction of two people on a beach at dusk...who are they... what were they ....why arent they......

Thank you Norma Jean

Thanks for the link Gabby
And thanks for the things I needed to hear Marilyn .. this quote is beautiful, it comes off as though she is talking directly to me. I can imagine her sitting across the table with her classic red lips and sun beam smile assuring me that things will be better. Not talking to me as the celebrity Marilyn Monroe, but just a good friend, Norma Jean Baker.


"This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

I hope she......

So i was watching this clip of Marsha Ambrosuis. Her new song 'I hope she cheats on you, with a basketball player' is a song i absolutely love! And her interview where she explained the song made me love it more!
She says "Realistically you have that thought in the back of your mind, that says I hope you fail without me. And no one ever speaks on that emotion. I think if i'd have just done the corny 'i hope your happy in life without me, baby', everyone has heard that song. Its just something you say cuz its the right thing to say. No I decided to say the thing that you wanna say..."
I sat watching and nodding and said yes, sista, yes! Just be honest just say how you really feel. I remember talking to someone who, to me, was immensely screwed over and burned and she say 'No Im fine as long as he's happy, I'm happy.' Im glad we were talking on msn cuz my face expression was the priceless, WTH!! Years later I found out that was a facade, the thing she thought was to be said. But why aren't we honest. Why is that the right thing to say? How come when you say this, you are called 'bitter'? If someone steps on your toe with steel toe boots and it hurts like hell and you express your pain, why are you called a cry baby, and told to toughen up? WTH it actually, physically hurts, bruise, blood and all!
I like when artists are above the norm and honest. Yes there are a million 'you broke my heart, i miss you, i love you, come back home, songs.' *see Unbreak my Heart, Toni Braxton* Or the 'Im so hurt, you did me wrong, Im gonna have to move on' *see One Last Cry- Brian Mcknight*.
You are damn right Marsha I hope she cheats on you with a basketball player. As Keyshia Cole says 'I shoulda cheated' or Kelis downright states with no apologies 'I hate you so much right now.'
As the poet Queen Sheba (thanks for that Cella) says 'I know I should hope that you are happy even if its not with me. But Im not that mature!'
Say it, just say it, say what you really feel and stop this sugar coating! And stop telling people 'oh you shouldnt say that it's mean, don't be so bitter. Move on.'
I do believe God gave us feelings for a reason, it is what we do with those feelings that is wrong or right. We can be bitter and deal with it with time and prayer or we could plot a master plan of revenge, (right and wrong). But you cant deal with something until you say it, until you are completely honest. Show me one person who was crushed and stepped on by someone else to reach the top, that says I hope they are really successful at the top. I will show you one helluva liar! One day I suppose a point will come where you just dont care. Where you say 'you reap what you sow' or 'Imma come out on top just you wait and see'. Until then dont fool yourself, just say it! The first step to recovery is admission.
Signed first step patient :)

The Grey revelations

I love the remaining minutes of Grey Anatomy, Meredith's closing thoughts are always things to ponder.

"When there's something you really want, fight for it, dont give up no matter how hopeless, it seems. And when you've lost hope ask yourself if 10 yrs from now you're gonna wish you gave it just 1 more shot, Because the best things in life dont come free."

"We deny that we’re tired, we deny that we’re scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed, and most importantly, we deny that we’re in denial.
We only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe. And it works. We lie to ourselves so much that, after a while, the lies start to seem like the truth.
We deny so much, that we can’t recognize the truth, right in front of our faces…
Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long.
We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later, we have to put aside our denial and face the world head-on, guns blazing.
Denial. It’s not just a river in Egypt. It’s a freaking ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"
Dont you just love Greys!

Is this love

Thanks Amina for sending me this!
I simply love Corinne Bailey Rae. Her sultry sweet voice caught me from album 1. Favorite song to date 'Like a star'. A true depiction of love sans the gooshy my heart sings bs!
If you can sing a Bob Marley song and give it a twist without being compared to the original you deserve props!

Is this love, is this love , is this love that im feeling.....isnt that the hardest emotion to completely define and the scariest to admit *sigh*

Enjoy! Corrinne Bailey Rae - Is this love

Lean on Me

The other day i heard the classic 'everyone knows this' song 'Lean on me'. I have heard this song millions of times sung in different forms and from different age groups. It was the other day that i began to appreciate the song. Its about friendship and its only when you have to lean on someone that you actually get the point. It was only about 6 years ago that i started to understand the concept of the true meaning of the word 'friend.' An incident brought this clarity to me, long and short of it a friend of ours was publically behaving badly. After said event we were sitting and discussing it (not in her presence), we were disappointed and other people were passing their judgments on her. Someone said 'well lets find out whats up with her' and they picked up the phone and called her over. Pause the world for a second......... i had never met or been in such a situation. I said to myself 'these girls right here are real people, to be called friends. This is friendship, this feels so right and safe.'
I then started to be very particular with my use of the word friend and acquaintance. At 16 a friend is a person you hang around, talk for hours on the phone with etc etc, basically anyone that gels with your personality. But its only with age that you realise this doesnt make them a friend rather a person you are acquainted with.

'When days are dark friends are few'
I can now after seeing such days dispute this claim, when days are dark, friends are your light. If they were friends they would be there.To quote Junior Gong ' your real friends will serve you long, sunshine or rain.' It is in these 'dark days' that you see the true character of the chosen few you call friends. Their reaction could be as simple as a daily hug, no words or as heartwarming as lending you their prized cd with a song you must hear. Possibly its just coming to your house to keep you company and not mentioning your misery or just saying go eat!
I cant ever forget the friend who said 'we noticed that there's something off about you and we are worried." You see there's that extra step between noticing and taking action, it shows a true heart of love for you as opposed to ' i wonder what her issue is'.
Now back to the song 'Lean on me'... 'when you're not strong and i'll be your friend, i'll help you carry on.' I get it, when you just feel like you cant go it alone, they appear because they know you need them and without a complaint you can put your weight on them. And they will bear it until you can stand. And when you stand a real friend will talk to you seriously and show you how not to trip like that again.
To my friends you know who you are cuz i tell you all the time how much I love you. "You can lean on me..."
Lean on Me by the cast of Glee

People Watching

"People watching or crowd watching is the act of observing people and their interactions, usually without their knowledge."

I know that everyone has a story but some people just look more interesting than others. I was people watching the other day, not on purpose i was just waiting around in town. And in this few minutes i saw some people ... just leave it at that people.
First person who i would like to name Grandpa Baggins
about 6 feet tall, a tad overweight, late 60's. What interested me was his outfit. Circa world war 2 white sailor's hat, tropical shirt (you know the cheesy tourist Caribbean ones with flowers and palm leaves), a white chord that acted as a sling for his arm and a small stick which he pushed against the wall and other places for balance. I began thinking possibly a boozer and about to ask for money? And then he passed and said the most pleasant Good morning. From that instant i wanted to know him just to hear his tale. I could imagine his home filled with trinkets from every decade, definitely has a story.

Sister Hotsteppa
A petite hot lady possibly in her late 50's maybe early 60's. High waist bell bottom jeans, a cowl neck top, sunglasses and blazer. She was well engaged in a story with her female companion. I felt like i wanted her to be my neighbour. You know the one you visit because she always has something to say about something. And the lady that who refuses to be 'old'.

Miss Vogue
A transplanted italian vogue model. High stilettos, designer sunglasses, posh outfit, but clearly she wasnt going to or coming from the office. Just running errands i suppose? Must be nice....Where is the paparazzi? I would love to trail her just to see her house, Blue Waters, lovely view, million $$ casa? Husband with gelled back hair and 3 piece suit?

That's all i saw ... :) stop for a minute and just look around its amazing what you will see.

random fact

Here's another random fact about me i collect quotes. I dont just go through quote books or sites that copy what i like, that's no fun! I like to be pleasantly surprised and intrigued by something i hear in a song or movie, something i see on a wall hanging or randomly somewhere where i least expect. I dont know what started it i was young when i began collecting. I used to write them on the wall next to my bed. My room was painted over so i decided to be civilised and write them in a book *as pictured* Dont ask for me for favourites, i have written them all for some reason. Here are some random ones

"She hoped she would never see him again. She knew she would die if she didnt. It was a curse to love like that." F.W Kenyon

"Sometimes its more noble to tell a small lie than a noble truth." Dumbledore

"Yet ah! Why should they know their fate? Since sorrow never comes too late. And happiness to swiftly flies, thought would destroy their paradise. No more where ignorance is bliss, tis folly to be wise" Thomas Gray

"You laugh at me for being different. I laugh at you for being the same." Eve l

"There's one sad truth in life I've found, while journeying east & west. The only folks we really wound are those we love the best. We flatter those we scarcely know, we please the fleeting guest, and deal full many a thoughtless blow to those who love us best" Ella Wilcox

Team love

So to make a long story short i had a short convo with someone i hadnt seen in a while and the person says to me 'but why didnt you fight.' I thought for a second and the image of a lonely fighter in the boxing ring came to mind. And i responded 'because you cant fight alone.'
Dear readers one of the hardest lessons I've learned this year is that fighting alone is no fight at all. I pondered this whole idea of fighting and came up with a 1 man side of a tug of war team. Team love. If you are the only person on the team love side of the rope you are going to be pulled into the mud by the other side. And trust me the other side is always extremely prepared and full. Every force set to destroy team love is pumped and ready to bring it to its knees.

Dear readers if you are alone on the other side and feel you can do it, you can fight alone and win for team love! Drop the rope and wave your flag, you wont win. If you are not alone and you both fall in the mud, you both can help each other up, clean each other off and live to fight another day. If you are alone who exactly is gonna to help you? And where are you getting the energy to fight another day? Remember the Keri Hilson song 'this love is taking all of my energy'?
A good soldier knows what battles to pick and which ones to walk away from. You know the term 'you and what army?' If you dont have an army dont bother doing the being pulled through the mud while the other side jumps for joy.

Now you have probably figured out what being alone on team love means.. .if not think of a 2 seated bicycle, a bicycle built for 2 and only 1 is peddling because the other person is lazy and cant be bothered to try anymore. The sun is hot, they are sweating and would prefer a free ride. You will stay balanced for a few moments before gravity takes you to your resting place.
Contrary to what you've been told in life about being strong and fighting for what you want. If you are alone dont fight!

Blessed are the forgetful

"Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Just imagine forgetting the things in life worth tossing in the sea of forgetfulness. Heartbreak would be erased in a day, bad times never been there....... People say we go through things to make us stronger to teach us something. All the cliches and wise words are great 10 years later when you are far past the pain. But for a moment, just a moment dont we all wish that we could just forget?

Never let fear stop you from dancing on the moon

So i probably should have started out with this post, explaining this whole moondancer business and the infamous quote which i have all over the place. Well i cant remember how old i was I'm thinking maybe 13, i was channel surfing one afternoon and came across a scene from a movie. A little girl maybe a bit younger than me was in a bedroom with a quirky looking woman. The woman said to her "Never let fear stop you from dancing on the moon." Since the movie was obviously closer to its end than beginning i changed the channel, but the quote stayed in my mind. A few months later and im talking closer to like a year, i came across the movie again and got to watch from the beginning.
Dancing on the Moon, is a pretty regular summer adventure movie, but that quote.. I dont know it just inspired me, there's something about dancing on the moon that sounds so freeing. To me the moon represents this really happy place. And fear usually talks you out of getting there because the step before happiness is usually pretty terrifying. Think of the first snip of your hair when you are cutting it off. Your mind races what if i look bad, maybe i will tell her dont bother just trim it but then she turns you around and voila! You love it!! You walk out feeling hotter than a mid-summer day (dancing on the moon). Just imagine if you had punked out because fear made you do it!
Ok i can be a hypocrite because i punk out alot so i have to keep repeating the quote in my head.
But ya that's the story and that's my motivation :)

In my heart we dance

In my heart we dance, we hold each other under a moonlit sky. In my heart we do everything you promised, everything i imagined. In my heart its as perfect as your entrance into my life.

Peace is what i feel and i dont know why, i dont know why the tears have stopped. I think it's because in my heart we dance. We live as lovers should and somewhere in the universe of almost occurences we had our chance. Maybe indeed in another lifetime we were one, we laughed and kissed, had our moments of bliss, we grew old together and died. And now by chance we get a few more moments to say hello.

In my heart we dance in a place that only we know. A place you can always come back to because you deserve to be there. I wont forget you, because when i think about you we dance in my heart to a song only we can hear. We dance to a song that has to end but we dance, we dance until the last beat and clutch each other in a goodbye that makes even the birds cry.
For you always in my heart we dance....

twenty something

So I was watching a recap show of the 6 seasons of the show 'The Hills". Yes it's my guilty pleasure, well was I didnt watch the last season because the main character left. Anyhow the point of this is that the ladies were having a convo about life and being twenty something and the 1/4 life crisis. That one day you wake up and all of sudden you ask yourself where is your life going especially when the people around you seem to be progressing. You, for a second, long for the days when life was simpler, you were younger and didnt have that much to worry about.
In one way some say you are still young, what is young? To me being young is relative, depending on what you want to achieve in life.
You begin to wonder when the big events of life will roll in, where your so called career is going. Where you are going and who you are going there with.
I have had thoughts on all these things and seeing that I dont have the answers I can only say that life is short so might as well enjoy every opportunity and every moment given.

Rambling

It has come to my attention that when it comes to matters of the heart, relationships, friendships, the opposite sex everyone whether single, married or divorce can and will give their advice on a situation.
The interesting part is that everyone's advice is based on the story of their heart.
The hopeless romantics who married their first loves and live happily in their white picket fenced dreams always seek to give you fairy tale type advice, the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow type of deal.
The bitter, scared closet goths will always see the dark side, the negative and help pour mud on your head as wallow in it.
If a situation looks oh too familar to one as though it was theirs you best believe their advice will mirror their outcome.
Dont get me wrong there are the objective ones who look past their heart's story and tell you what they see on the fence.
The most dangerous type of advice comes from those who hide their heart's story. No one knows what they have been through and they pretend and say things contrary to their experience. If you dont know where someone has been then how can you judge the credibility of their words?

At the end of the day is it your heart and its story that you should first tune into. There is no 1 else in the world that knows you better. Yes your heart will get you into a load of trouble and will get itself broken (not on purpose of course). But consider the times the heart is right and the world is wrong. What would be the story "the saddest word of mouth and pen are saying the words what could have been.."
Follow God and your heart, with a small pinch of object visionaries :)

Ahh just another random ramble

The Keeper

like a faithful lighthouse keeper who keeps the beacon lit for all the ships to return home, she puts her candle out every night. Every night she trims her candle and sets it in the window sill. Through rain, snow and the bitter cold the little beam lights the way for you to come home. She loyally clears the window of fog and frost so the flame can brighten your path. You always come home, to the door unlocked and hot tea awaiting you in the arms of your loving waiter.
One night she sets her candle out after sunset as always, wiping the late evening dew off the tattered window panes. She sits and waits staring out the window waiting for your shadow. None appears,hour after hour her eyes grow tired in the light of the fading candle, it melts dripping wax minute by minute a process she can not stop, she has no more candles. This is it you must come home.
Where could you be, what has kept you, have you abandoned her? Her hope fades with every drop of wax, will you not return? What will happen when her candle fades to black she worries how you will find your way back. As the candle burns into a stump your tea has grown as cold as her patience. She takes a last lookout for your shadow for a sign of your presence, opening the door she calls out your name to the darkness. It swallows her cries, she locks her door and weeps for she knows not how or if you will ever find her again....

Pray for the Lovers

I was looking through Essence.com's top 40 poets and i came across the first 3 lines of this poemby Jayne Cortez. I was intrigued and searched for it, i really like its truth

PRAY FOR THE LOVERS by Jayne Cortez.
Pray for the lovers
for those who are suspicious
for those who are jealous
for those who are revengeful
Pray for the lovers
for those who are unsatisfied
for those who are frightened
for those who are disappointed
pray for those who are lonely lazy & limited
Pray for the lovers
for those unwilling to reveal & unable to revolt
for those who are helpless
for those who are hostile
for those whose flesh goes dead upon touching
the frigid
the passive
the latent
the soft
have mercy on the lovers in heat
pray for those with pain in their bodies
pain in their minds
for sorrow
for fear & the spell of madness after love says goodbye
Pray for the lovers in the name of love
in the name of god & the mirror of death
love in the name of some rollin hips
those churning lips & the blood
that drips incest to incest
all power to the lovers in the name of love
all power to the lovers in the name of love
all power to the lovers in the name of love....

Day and Night

found this poem.. i dont know who wrote it but i liked it

Glass Angel

You are like a child who asks to play with the precious porcelain doll placed high on a shelf. You had eyed her for quite sometime and were fascinated by her delicate nature. You are told handle with care, she's not a toy. You take her start off gently cradling her in your loving arms. As time goes by you get more comfortable you toss her, play rough, scraping her arms and chaffing her skin.Yet still she always landed safely back in your arms.
So you take her fragility for granted becoming more careless and carefree. You think that she's indestructable, simply unbreakable. So you drop her, face first onto the cold tile floor, breaking her little glass self into a million pieces. And then like a coward you run away leaving the shattered angel broken and alone, a mess for someone else to clean up. You never thought to turn around and mend her, humbly piecing each shard together.
Alas you are a child you know no better. Runaway and hide little boy, do what you know best.

Miss Monroe

I recently found a site with Marilyn's quote, I quite like them and since i love to collect here are some that stuck out to me

"No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they're pretty, even if they aren't."

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin,
but I am not the devil. I am just
a small girl in a big world trying to
find someone to love."

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."

Dorothy

I find her beauty simply haunting .... Dorothy Dandridge

Theme from Valley of the Dolls

Ever go through something and have a song explain your feelings to a dot.... weird right ... music food for the soul.
I first heard this song on the pilot episode of Nurse Jackie. I searched feverishly for it of course so did other people. Finally found the name only original version online is kinda poor quality but i love it and i know what it means. And only Dionne Warwick gets it just right ...the song makes you feel like lying on a blanket and staring at the sky...just wondering

Theme from Valley of the Dolls

Blessed are the forgetful

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

There so much deep meaning in the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... its one of my favs. It shows how unpredictable love is, 1 minute you have the moon and sky the next its a dark cloudless sky in the middle of the abyss. Its not that fairytale romantic comedy tripe. Its the truth about real people and how things go wrong.

Joel and Clementine are lovers who relationship like many others gets a little out of control. Words are said and impulsive Clementine goes to a doctor who specialises in memory erasing. Hurt and tormented Joel does the same. It shows that we all go thru times when we think that its just better to forget. But beneath the arguments and sometimes hatred there's still love and good times... then he wants it back. But its too late the memory of his Clementine is gone. The irony of the movie is that no matter how badly we screw up our love what's meant to be is meant to be. They find each other back ...

Tired

It's hard to write.... my soul is tired. Has your soul ever been tired and just felt like lying in a corner waiting for the wings of love to lift it up. Your mind is jumbled with thoughts, you sometimes forget to breathe, you are tired. Like that movie character who falls to his knees in the rain and looks to the heavens, hands raised, questioning everything. Just go my way, make it be right; 'oh take me back to the start'. Just one more time God of peace and mercy make it right

Where's Godoe?

I did this one a long time ago, I actually wrote it on paper cuz it needed to be said at the time.
It was only years after i read the book 'Waiting for Godoe" that i realised the spectrum of its meaning. *nb Godoe is not God in this*......and ps you probably wont get it!

It has come to my attention that as the days go by my resentment for your happiness grows stronger. Selfish of me, I know , but some part of me has a craving to be acknowledged. Should it not recieve it's reward, does it instead deserve to sit uncomfortably and smile away as the seasons go by? Instead that part must wait like the two old men for Godoe.
But when will Godoe come? Oh has Godoe seemed so close,but never a speck in the distance enough to confirm his arrival. Instead its just a figment, a slight shadow on the horizon providing false hope for the waiters. A false hope that says no tis not him, sit down again, watch the leaves fall,transcending from green to brown crumpling under your resting feet. Feel the hot summer sun force sweat from your pores. Let the joy of the holidays overwhelm you with the sense that indeed Godoe soon comes. But it is not him so it is best not to look for something that existence questions. Then why wait for Godoe, if one does not know if he will come? Why not just leave your bench of comfort and journey on? No, but what if Godoe comes and you have just left- I stay.
So in silence I cleave to my resentment with a plastic and overbearing facade, only cracked but an unseen sigh, deep and entrenched within the casims of a heart looking for its reward. For your Godoe has come faster than the life changes of a caterpillar. Rapid, unexpected fruitful and joyous! I watch on in guilty, selfish resentment inwardly wishing to beg a few miles in your shoes just for a moment of bliss until Godoe comes.

The heart's painting

You always think you know someone because you believe and absorb what they want you to know about them.But it is the unsaid things that actually say the most, the small reactions, mumbled words and seemingly useless commentary that paints the real picture.
I wont lie (nb i use that phrase alot) I have observed alot of these secret paintings. A painting imprinted on the heart, hidden from the world.
Some paintings reveal the pangs of a lonely heart.The pang of not being able to be left alone without the comfort of a warm hug and kiss good night. The pang of caving in to desperation which unavoidably leads to life's chaos,an unavoidable chaos that becomes real everyday living.
Some paintings are full of pain hidden carefully behind happiness, like the devil peeping from behind an angel. It's pain that dictates your actions until a person no longer recognizes their self, until they feel like they have lost who they are, the person who existed before the heart had such a thirst for creativity.
Many have a painting that transcends time boundaries, the past spilling onto the present almost over shadowing it with loud colors and splashes of distraction.
What to say to err is human! And as hard as we try inside we all have flawed, messy, unpretty, chaotic paintings that we must bear to look at. Sometimes we look until we figure it out ultimately conquering the tale it tells. And sometimes we just sit under and let it take us where ever it goes no matter how far it spills from reality.